KFP: The Hangover Part II
by Empressimperia
Summary: Sequel to KFP: The Hangover. Monkey, Crane, Mantis and Po travel to Gongmen City for the opening of the brand new kung fu academy. What could go wrong?
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover. You get the drill.**

**Well, here it is! My second fanfiction!**

**I had to wait until my exams were over before I could begin this, so I'm glad that whoever is currently reading this was patient enough to wait (that is, if they've read my first fanfiction. If they haven't I'd strongly suggest they do)!**

**I should warn you in advance that unlike last time, updates will be a bit slower, but fortunately not as slow as a week per update!**

**Anyway, here you are! KFP Hangover Part II!**

* * *

In five hours, the opening ceremony would commence.

And yet they still hadn't arrived.

Tigress turned away from the window and faced the stony faced kung fu masters sat gathered round the little table. Po and Viper were sitting uneasily opposite the two members of the Master's Council, Masters Storming Ox and Croc.

"Still no sign of them." She said.

"This is ridiculous!" Viper snapped. "I can't believe they would get themselves late for such an important ceremony!"

"Completely irresponsible!" Storming Ox growled. "I may have been an arrogant, greedy toe rag in my youth… but never have I ever been tardy to attending an important ceremony such as this!" Storming Ox, ever the most aggressive warrior of the original three (Thundering Rhino had died some months previous from a certain peacock's deadly weapon) vented his frustration on the table, splintering it into three pieces. "It's utterly disgraceful! When I get my hands on them…"

"Calm down, Ox." Said the less angered, but still displeased Croc. "You know Shifu's students better than that. I'm sure there's a decent explanation. Dragon Warrior, what did you say they were doing the night before last?"

"They were just going to visit this tavern that opened that night." Po said. "I'm sorry, but I've no idea why they haven't returned yet."

The last part, Viper and Tigress knew, was an utter and complete lie. They could see the suspicion they shared in Po's eyes. In fact, all three of them had a very good idea of why the threesome hadn't returned yet. But they knew better than to jump to conclusions.

All they could do was wait.

"I'll go find Master Shifu." Said Viper. "I think it's time we tell him what's happened." She slithered from her chair and left the room.

Tigress sighed and turned back to the window, looking out over the magnificent view that could only be witnessed from the top of the recently rebuilt Tower of Sacred Flame.

_Last time I had a view like this…_ she thought…_ I was formulating a plan for the six of us to escape the palace by using the falling tower as a springboard._ She sighed at the memory. _Of course, that never would have happened if Po hadn't frozen when confronting that crazy peacock._

She glanced at Po, who was still sitting opposite the other masters.

Of course, Tigress had forgiven him for almost getting himself and the Furious Five killed twice in one night. Like she had said to him a long time ago: the hardcore do understand. In other words she too still harbored a deep wish to learn what her real parents had been like.

She will never know what had enticed her into embracing the panda that fateful night, or what had made her completely lose her fighting spirit when Po had been seemingly killed, and wasn't entirely sure if she actually wanted to find out. And of course there was that moment when Po hugged her after the final battle against Shen…

She was startled from her thoughts when the Mirror of Communication, which lay on the windowsill next to her, started to glow for the first time in hours.

Quickly glancing at Storming Ox and Croc to make sure they hadn't noticed, Tigress picked up the mirror and rushed out the door.

"I need some air." She said as she left. Po gazed after her, knowing at once what was going on.

Outside the room, Tigress stared into the mirror as the image changed from a reflection of her to the face of a very sorrowful golden languor monkey.

"Hello, Tigress. It's Monkey."

I can see that." Tigress hissed. "Where the hell are you guys?"

"Tigress…" Monkey took a deep breath. "It happened again."

Tigress gritted her teeth.

Hers, Viper's and Po's fears had been proven true.

"Don't say that." She almost pleaded.

"No, this time we really screwed up." Monkey said mournfully.

"What the freaking hell is wrong with you three?"

"So much, Tigress. I wouldn't even know where to begin!"

"How bad, Monkey!" Tigress glared at the mirror. "No ceremony bad?"

"Er…" Monkey hesitated. "A little worse than that…"


	2. Two Days Earlier

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.**

* * *

"MANTIS!"

Mantis poked his head out the kitchen door.

"Huh?"

"GET YOU MINIATURE BUTT IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Mantis followed the sound of Crane's furious voice to the insect's own room. Inside the simplistic living quarters, Mantis found Crane, Po and Monkey looking very displeased. For Crane, displeased was an understatement.

"Wassup?" Mantis asked.

"Explain this!"

Crane picked up a box which Mantis had been hiding beneath his bed. Mantis mentally cursed himself for accepting his friends' offer to pack his things for him while he prepared the food for the journey to Gongmen City.

"It's just of box of private stuff!" Mantis said, though with a sinking feeling knew that they already knew what was inside.

"Oh _really_?" Po asked.

Crane removed the lid to reveal a large pile of small paintings.

"I thought we told you to burn these after we looked at them!" Crane snapped. "This is a total violation of trust!"

Inside the box was a collection of the paintings Feng the palace artist had done to document the foursome's fateful night out.

No wait, _fivesome_. Tigress had also accompanied them, but had not suffered anywhere near as much as the males. Much to Po's relief she still remembered very little of the incident.

"Oh god, I'm right on top!" Crane moaned as he pulled out a painting of him plucking out his own feathers in front of a disgruntled Mei Ling.

And I'm right beneath you!" Po stared in horror as he pulled out the painting of him and Tigress kissing in his room. It was a mark of how strong their friendship was that the others didn't tease him about that particular painting and risk Tigress getting suspicious. They all knew that if Tigress ever learned of what she and Po had done that night, it could potentially ruin their friendship.

"Mantis, do you realize that if Shifu ever comes across these, our lives won't be worth two yuan?" Monkey glared at the insect.

"Yeah, that's why I hid them under the bed." Said Mantis. "Believe it or not, he never looks under the beds."

"Mantis, the last thing I need is Viper finding out that I plucked out my own feathers!" Crane snapped.

"You don't need to worry about that." Said Mantis. "She interrogated me after the Moon Festival and to avoid the torture I decided to tell her."

"YOU WHAT?" Crane's eyes bulged.

"Hey, she was going to use her version of the Poison Fang Technique on me!"

"Viper's fangs are smaller than her father's, Mantis!" Monkey said.

"Believe it or not, that what made it all the more terrifying. Don't ask why. You don't wanna know."

"Mantis!" Po gritted his teeth. "If Tigress ever finds this painting, she'll never talk to me again!"

"We want you to go straight into the kitchen and burn these paintings while Shifu and the girls and still down in the village!" Monkey said.

Mantis sighed in defeat.

"Fine, I'll get rid of them. Give them here and I'll stuff them in the stove."

Crane replaced the box lid and handed Mantis the box. The insect then left the room and headed for the kitchen.

As soon as he was inside the kitchen, he hid the box of paintings beneath the loose floorboard under the table.

He knew his friends would kill him if they found out he was still in possession of the paintings, but you never know when blackmail is necessary.

"Hey, Crane. Check this out!" Mantis said upon returning to the others. "Remember when you ratted me out to Monkey when I stole some of his almond cookies?" Crane and Monkey both nodded. "I asked Po and he let me get back at you with this! Show him, Po."

Po went into his room, and returned with an object in his hand. He placed it on the bedside table for the others to see.

Crane scowled at the small action figure in his likeness: the head part of it had been painted pink, as if it had been plucked clean of feathers. Po and Monkey burst out laughing as the bird chased Mantis from the room, yelling about revenge.

* * *

"No freaking way! Absolutely not!"

"Aw come on, Crane!" Mantis moaned. "It's just one drink at the Fenghuang Tavern! Not a booze fest!"

"I told you NO!" Crane snapped. "Not when we're about to attend the opening of the Gongmen Kung Fu Academy! Besides, I'm still mentally damaged from the last time we went on a night out! As for you, I'm beginning to think you've been mentally damaged all your life!"

"Come on, Crane!" Mantis was practically on his knees on the deck of the boat transporting them to Gongmen City.

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Pretty please?"

"No!"

"Pretty please with a mini dumpling on top?"

"NO!"

"Aw, Crane!"

"Hey, knock it off you two!" Monkey and Po emerged from below deck upon being disturbed by the pair's arguing.

"Monkey, Po, tell Crane that nothing's gonna happen this time!" Mantis pleaded.

"What are you talking about?" Monkey asked.  
"Mantis here wants us all to visit the opening of this place called the Fenghuang Tavern when we reach Gongmen City. And I'm telling him no with a capital N." said Crane.

"Is that all?" Po laughed. "If it's just a drink at a tavern, why don't we go?"

Crane stared at him. He couldn't believe that Po of all people would actually agree to this, given that the last time he had gone on a night out had ended with him stuck in a hole in the Training Hall floor for nearly two days with his head covered in sore bumps. But then again he was Po.

"Po's right." Monkey said, again shocking Crane. "Sure last time didn't go as well, but if it's just one drink, what harm can it do?"

"Do you see this cup of tea next to me?" Crane gestured to a cup balanced perfectly on the boat's rail. Po and Monkey blinked when they noticed the white cloth on top. "Do you know why it's got a white napkin on top? I'll tell you why? It's so no-one Psycho Juices me!" Crane glared vehemently at Mantis, who cringed.

While Po and Monkey silently agreed that Crane was being unreasonable, they understood why he was so reluctant. Out of the four of them, Crane had suffered the worst from what they would forever refer to as 'the incident'. While Mantis had gotten engaged to a praying mantis like himself (named Anming, who he was now officially dating after calling the engagement off), and Monkey had gotten hit on the head by a mace during a street riot, and Po had gotten stuck in a hole for two days, Crane ended up losing all of his head feathers after an unfortunate bet with Mantis, and unintentionally let his best friend's infant son get kidnapped by croc bandits. After the whole fiasco, it took two months for his feathers to completely grow back, three for the tail feathers that had been plucked from his butt by a baby elephant.

"Don't you think you're overreacting?" Po asked.

"No, I don't!" Crane retorted.

"Crane, it's just one drink! And Mantis, you promise you won't slip anything into our drinks next time, right?"

"Not even if it's cheap rice wine!" Mantis placed a foreleg over his heart.

"Crane, just give it a second chance." Said Monkey. "Tell you what, I'll ask Viper and Tigress if they want to come along. You know Viper's very observant, she'll notice if Mantis slips us anything."

Po suddenly frowned.

"Wait a sec. Are you sure about Tigress coming along? It's just that she's still hurting from that cut she got from last week's battle."

"She's Tigress. She'll be fine." Monkey said dismissively. "Crane, come on. You can just have one drink if you want."

Crane glared at the three of them for a long while… then sighed in defeat.

"Fine… but ONE drink! ONE drink, and then I'm heading straight back to the Tower of Sacred Flame before anything can happen to me!"

"That's perfectly fine." Said Mantis, ecstatic that Crane had finally agreed.

"Now that that's settled…" Po yawned. "Can we _please_ get back to bed?

* * *

Once they had arrived in Gongmen City, Po and the Furious Five found themselves surrounded by citizens eager to once again thank the warriors who had saved their city months before. While the Five humbly accepted the praise and attention, Po blushed from the many compliments and admirations of his single-handed defeat of Shen's entire armada. Shifu, meanwhile, simply nodded to the citizens as he and his students made their way to the rebuilt Tower of Sacred Flame, once again home to the Master's Council.

When they reached the tower, they were greeted warmly by Masters Storming Ox and Croc. The tower itself looked exactly the same as the original tower that had once served as the Peacock Family's home. The warriors were pleased to find that the crater in the courtyard, caused by Shen's original cannon as it obliterated Master Thundering Rhino, had been dug up and replaced with a smooth stone surface, Thundering Rhino's hammer placed in an unspecified location along with several other artifacts from the Master's Council's early days.

In the late afternoon, Monkey, Crane, Po, Tigress and Viper made their way across the courtyard.

"Exactly what is so special about this Fenghuang Tavern?" Po asked as they headed towards the front gates. To his surprise, Mantis blushed.

"Before we left, I told Anming about the opening of the kung fu academy, and she and I made this crazy bet. Basically, if I can attend three openings within two days, Anming will pay for our next five dates."

Po and Crane stared.

"Why would you make a bet like that?"

"I have absolutely no idea."

"Do you know what the third opening's going to be?" Crane asked.

"No, but I'll figure it out after tonight."

As they talked, they exited the palace courtyard and made their way through the winding streets of Gongmen City.

"Master Shifu does know where we're going, right?" Tigress asked.

"It's alright." Mantis looked up from the city map he was holding. "I told him we were going to have a look at this kung fu academy before the opening."

"You lied to him?" Tigress's eyes widened.

"Yeah."

Tigress growled.

"Hey, we're here!" Mantis said quickly.

Indeed, the group was now standing in front of a large building with a signpost in front named 'Fenghuang Tavern.' A large group had formed outside, eager for the opening to commence. Mantis spotted Crane's expression.

"Don't worry, Crane, nothing's going to go wrong. I have made a vow not to poison you guys again, and I intend to keep it."

* * *

The sun was low in the reddening sky by the time the opening ceremony began. Once the proprietor of the tavern had cut the ribbon, nearly two-dozen people entered the building, including the six warriors. After a few minutes of squeezing through the crowd, and avoiding those who recognized the Dragon Warrior and the Furious Five, the warriors managed to find a single table in one isolated corner of the room. It was quickly agreed that they would all have rice wine (not the cheap kind).

"I'll get the drinks." Mantis hopped from Monkey's shoulder.

"NO!" Crane straightened furiously. His comrades stared.

"I'll get them." Monkey sighed and got up from the table. He returned a few minutes later with a tray carrying six cups and one large bottle.

"Here ya go Crane." Monkey passed Crane his cup first. "One sealed bottle."

"Good." Crane said, but opened the bottle himself and poured the wine, just in case.

This time, the rice wine was delicious.

"Hey Po," Mantis said after taking another sip. "Did you know that you're going to be the guest of honor at the opening ceremony?"

"Really?" his friends looked at him. Po's eyes widened.

"Yeah, I overheard Shifu and Croc talking about it before we left. It's because you were primarily responsible for our victory in the battle against Shen's armada. These citizens owe a lot to you."

"No kidding." Viper said.

"Awesome!" Po waved his fists in the air.

"I actually wrote a speech in your honor." Said Mantis.

"Really? Why would you do that?"

"Because it seemed that nobody else thought to do it." Mantis replied simply. "Do you guys want to hear it now?"

"Sure!"

And so Mantis pulled out several small pieces of paper.

"_Hey, everybody. Here's some fun facts. The population of Gongmen City is forty-thousand people. It's twice the size of Anyang. Its chief exports are fireworks, rice and kites. Each year, approximately four hundred people are killed in fireworks accidents in Gongmen City. The climate in Gongmen…"_

"Mantis!" Po spoke up quickly. "Why don't you skip to the last paper?"

"Oh, okay then." Mantis put away all the cards but one.

"_Not one of you know Po like I do! Not you!_" He pointed at a nearby pig. "_Not you!_" He pointed at the pig's wife. "_Not you!_" He pointed at the bartender. "_Not you!_" He pointed at a perplexed looking goose. "_Not nobody knows Po like I do! No one! I can't even tell you what we've been through, because we made a pact more important than blood!_"

_No…_ the guys thought. _He wouldn't…_

"_What I can tell you is this: Po is not the simple-minded greedy guts you probably think him to be. There was this time last year when I found him in his room with…_"

Po bodily launched himself across the table, scattering his friends' cups and sending Mantis flying along with the last paper.

"What was that about?" Tigress asked as Po returned to his seat.

"Nothing! Nothing!" Po blushed furiously.

"How about a toast!" Crane said quickly as a dazed Mantis retrieved the scattered cups and refilled them.

And so the six friends stood up (Viper straightened her long body while Mantis hopped on Monkey's shoulder) and tapped their cups together as the sun disappeared over the horizon and day turned into night.


	3. Waking Up

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.**

* * *

When Monkey opened his eyes, he realized that he had a pounding headache.

He also realized that he was lying face down on a dusty stone floor that was hot to the touch.

While lying down on the floor, he registered the surroundings in his peripheral vision.

There were rice wine bottles all over the place… on the floor… on the small table… even on the make-shift hammock tied to the ceiling. Also scattered in one corner of the room was what must have been over a hundred mahjong tiles. A large pile of bed sheets lay in the middle of the room.

Monkey slowly got to his feet, trying to ignore the pain and nausea that resulted from the movement, and slowly spun round, looking at the large room they were in.

They appeared to be in some sort of storage room, filled with what looked like kung fu artifacts: Thundering Rhino's damaged hammer was displayed on one wall. However, storage rooms don't usually have a window. Monkey staggered over to said window and tried to look through it. He saw nothing but bright, agonizing, blinding sunlight.

Behind him, a dark green preying mantis slowly woke up from inside the make-shift hammock. He turned his head, saw Monkey staring out the window. He lifted two legs to step out of the hammock… and promptly fell down into a pile of bottles.

_Crash!_

Monkey didn't turn at the sound of the noise. After a few extra-long seconds, the primate heard several tiny footsteps, and then felt a pressure on his right shoulder as Mantis hopped up onto it.

Several seconds of silence passed.

"Monkey…" Mantis eventually spoke. "I think it's happened again."

"Yeah, I think so to…" Monkey breathed. "Mantis, what the hell did you do?"

"I didn't do anything, I swear to god."

Monkey finally turned his head to look at Mantis… and his look turned to a stare.

"Hey, Mantis. You've got hair."

Mantis blinked and felt his chin. There was no fur or hair there.

"No, up. Up."

Mantis felt his head… and his forelegs touched the small patch of yellow fur glued to the space between his antennae, sticking up like a Mohawk.

Mantis giggled in disbelief.

"Where the heck are we?" Monkey turned away from the window.

_CLANG!_

The two guys jumped as a sudden loud sound occurred from outside their room.

"What was that?" Mantis whispered.

"I think it came from downstairs." Monkey replied. "If there _is_ a downstairs."

"Uuuhhhh…"

They heard Crane moan behind them. Monkey turned round, Mantis still on his shoulder, and saw a pair of thin bird legs protruding from a second hammock they hadn't noticed before. The hammock swung slightly as Crane stirred.

"Crane!" Monkey approached the hammock. "Come on, get up! We've got a problem!"

Very slowly, Crane emerged from inside the hammock… and Monkey had to stick his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing.

"Holy… crap…" Monkey breathed, his voice muffled by his fist.

Crane look past his two friends at his surroundings.

"Where are we?" Crane asked slowly. He winced at the headache he woke up with.

Crane looked back at his friends and gasped at Mantis's newly acquired Mohawk.  
"Oh gosh…" the bird stared. "Mantis… your head…"

Mantis stared back.

"No… your head…"

Crane pointed at Mantis's head.

"He's got hair!"

"Crane…" Monkey took his fist from his mouth. "You're going to freak out… but it's going to be okay…"

"What? Is it my feathers?" Crane frantically lifted a wing to his head, which was missing his hat. He sighed in relief when he felt soft black feathers in place of smooth sore skin.

"Er... in a way…" Monkey said. "You better look in the mirror over there…"

Crane rushed over to the little mirror hanging on the wall… and screamed.

"Oh my gawd!"

In the mirror's reflection, Crane saw that his entire body had been re-colored. His torso and wings were now a dark brown, and his head was nearly completely white, beak included with brown circles round his eyes and a faded circular orange mark on his forehead.

And that wasn't the worst of it. Two wooden shapes, painted white and brown, had been glued to Crane's scalp to resemble large ears. A large wooden bead had been glued to the tip of Crane's beak like a nose, and two pieces of thick white string had also been glued to his beak, with the painted white bristles of a brush glued to his chin to resemble a long mustache and beard. The severed head of a mop had been tied up and painted to resemble a puffy striped white and brown tail, then glued over Crane's tail feathers.

In short, Crane looked like a tall, skinny Master Shifu with a beak.

"OH MY GAWD!" Crane yelled again, and frantically pulled at the 'ears'. After a few seconds of straining, the ears ripped off, and Crane screamed as they took several feathers with them.

Monkey could no longer hold it in, and burst out laughing as Crane continued to rip off the many objects glued to his body, crying out in a high pitched voice each time he did so.

Once the ears, nose, mustache, beard and tail had been removed, Crane proceeded to grab the nearby bucket of water and desperately try to remove the dye and paint covering his body. After a few minutes, the dye didn't budge.

"Oh god, this is _permanent dye_!" Crane wailed. Then he whirled round and fixed Mantis with a death glare. "Mantis, what did you do?" Did you Psycho Juice me again?"  
"No!"

"Crane, he swore to god." Monkey said quickly.

The trio stood in their small circle, breathing heavily and fighting back the urge to puke, when they realized that there were just three of them.

"Hey guys…" Mantis spoke. "Where's Po, Viper and Tigress?"

"No idea." Monkey replied. "God, I hope we haven't lost all three of AAAAAAAAGH!"

Monkey screamed as a small yellowish creature leapt out of nowhere and landed right on the back of his neck. Mantis leapt onto Crane's head as they both screamed at the sudden occurrence.

"AH! IT'S A DEMON!" Mantis screamed as Monkey spun and wailed on the spot, frantically reaching behind him for his attacker.

"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

Just as suddenly as it had leapt on, the creature leapt off of Monkey and landed in the nearest hammock. It peered over the side, and the trio gaped as they saw what it was.

"What the hell is that?" Monkey yelled.

"A baby monkey!" Mantis stared.

No, not a baby monkey. Instead, a baby lemur, a loris, giggled and stared down at the stunned trio with enormous amber eyes.

"Do you think we stole it like we stole that baby elephant?" Crane whispered.

"No idea." Monkey whispered back.

"Hey, what is it holding?" Mantis asked.

At that moment, the baby lemur dropped a small white object on the floor. Monkey quickly picked it up.

Suddenly, the mirror began to glow white.

"Er, guys, what is that?" Mantis stared.

"Wait a minute, I know that mirror!" Monkey breathed. "It's the Mirror of Communication."

"The what?"

"There's two of them. You can use one mirror to contact someone holding the other. I'll see who it is, and you guys just wait here and keep an eye on that baby."

Monkey grabbed the mirror and moved to the far side of the room as Mantis hopped off his shoulder and landed on the rim of the bucket of water. Crane sat down on the floor between him and the pile of bed sheets… and saw a small green circular _something_ poking out from beneath the sheets.

"Hey, what the hell is that?" Crane peered at it.

Mantis hopped off the bucket and stared at the object.

Meanwhile, Monkey peered into the mirror's reflection. It faded and changed from an image of a disheveled primate to a black and white panda.

"Po!" Monkey gasped. "Where are you?"

"At the Tower of Sacred Flame, practicing pull ups." Po's voice could clearly be heard from the mirror.

"I'm so glad you're alright!" Monkey breathed.

"Hey, what's going on?" Po asked. "Where are you guys?"

"I've no idea! We woke up in some kung fu storage room in some city!"

Po gaped.

"Oh my god… what city?"  
"No clue, Po! I don't get it!" Monkey twirled the little white object in his hands in agitation. It appeared to be a mass of hair tied together with a tiny metal ring. "I mean we only had one drink last night, right? You too!"

"Yeah, but then me, Tigress and Viper left early, remember?"

"I don't remember anything!"

"Tigress's wound was acting up, so me and Viper took her back to the tower." Po paused. "Hang on a sec… is Master Shifu with you guys?"

Monkey blinked.

"Huh?"

"He's not at the tower. We've been looking for him all morning."

Monkey pondered this, and then looked down at the white object.

"Hey, Po." Monkey asked. "Master Shifu wore a black beard ring, didn't he?"

"Yeah, why?"

"DAMN!"

Monkey flung the object away.

"Po!" Monkey yelled at the mirror. "I've just found Master Shifu's _**beard**_!"

"What?"

"Never mind! Listen, tell the others at the tower that we're just taking a day trip round Gongmen City, and we'll be back by tonight, alright? Bye!"

Monkey put the mirror down before Po could reply and rushed back to the other two guys.

"Okay, guys, we've got a serious problem… what the heck is _that_?"

Monkey stared at the green object protruding from the pile of bed sheets.

"Is it a bowl?" Crane whispered as he narrowed his eyes at the object.

Mantis stepped right up to the object for a closer look.

"It's a rock."

"You sure."

Mantis lightly tapped the object with a foreleg.

"Yeah. A piece of jade."

Suddenly, the baby loris leapt down from the hammock and landed right next to the object.

"Hey, baby." Mantis looked at the infant. "Touch it. Do you think it's jade?"

"He can't understand you, Mantis!" Crane snapped. "He's a baby!"

The baby reached out and tapped the object with one finger.

"He does!" Monkey whispered. "Why is he tickling it?"

"He probably thinks it's some kind of reptile." Mantis replied.

Indeed, upon closer inspection the object appeared to be covered in light green scales…

The trio blinked simultaneously. _Scales_?

"Wait…" Monkey breathed. "Is that…"

At that moment, the baby leaned down and chomped on the object.

"YEOW!"

The trio screamed and leapt backwards as the pile of bed sheets suddenly moved, and a large figure emerged like a firework, scattering bed sheets everywhere.

"_Darnit_! What the heck, guys!" The figure rubbed its sore nose. "Can't a bandit get some sleep?"

Monkey stared.

"_Fung_?"

The croc bandit straightened his outfit and blinked several times.

"Fung, what the hell are you doing here?" Crane asked in shock. The last time they had seen him, they had been rescuing Mei Ling and her infant son after the bandits had kidnapped them to steal a valuable coin.

"We met at the docks last night and you invited me to join your little party!" The crocodile replied.

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, you swore on your graves you wouldn't beat me up or arrest me, so long as I didn't steal anything!"

"We did that?" Mantis stared.

"Fung, what the hell happened?" Monkey asked.

"I got you guys onto a boat and brought you here to the City of Lijiang! And we had one crazy… _crazy_ night to remember!"

Monkey gaped.

"We're in _Lijiang_?"

Lijiang was a city of waterways and bridges ten miles from Gongmen City.

"Yup!" Fung sat down on an empty display box next to the small table. "Last night was totally sick!"

"Fung." Crane sat down opposite him. "Do you have any idea how I ended up looking like Master Shifu?"

"Yeah… you dyed yourself and stuck those ears and tail on you! Duh!"

"Hey, what's that baby nibbling on?" Mantis asked.

The four guys spotted the baby nibbling on the severed beard he had retrieved.

"Oh gawd, that's Shifu's beard!" Crane wailed. "That's his beard! Shifu's dead!"

"Calm down." Fung said. "Shifu's not dead."

"He isn't?"

"Naw, he partied with us all night!" Fung said.

The trio gaped.

"Shifu _what_?"

"Yeah."

"Why would _Shifu_ party with us?" Monkey asked in awe.

"I asked the exact same thing! I didn't see what happened, but you guys told me last night that after becoming suspicious, Shifu learned the truth about where you guys were from Po, and tracked you to the Fenghuang Tavern."

"He did?" Mantis stared.

"Yeah. Somehow, you guys managed to convince him to have one drink. It turned out that the old man has a very… _very_… _**very**_… low tolerance for alcohol. One sip and he was whacked out of his mind!"

"Oh…" The trio glanced at each other.

"Do you know where Shifu is now?" Monkey asked.

Fung stared at him.

"Don't you guys remember anything?"

"No, not a darn thing."

"Alright, I'll explain it all before I take off. Just let me have a drink."

Fung pulled out a tiny black bottle from a pocket and drained the entire contents. Then he gazed at the trio intently.

"Are you guys ready for the craziest freaking story ever-"

Suddenly he stopped talking. His eyes bulged. His body seized up.

Then Fung fell headfirst onto the small table, cracking it with his helmeted skull.

* * *

**In case you didn't know, Lijiang is an actual ancient city famous for its waterways and bridges. However all the locations the trio will visit during the course of the story will be purely fictional.**


	4. Bail Out

**Disclaimer: I'm not going over this again.**

**Keep the reviews coming, and take a look at my first fanfiction if you haven't already! It's called _KFP: the Hangover_. Thanks.**

* * *

The trio stared at the unmoving form of Fung the croc bandit.

"Fung?" Monkey asked.

The crocodile didn't even twitch.

"Fung?"

No answer.

"Hey, can you hear me?"

Silence.

Dread stirring in his gut, Monkey put his fingers to Fung's neck. There was no pulse.

He leapt away in horror.

"Damn, he's dead!"

Crane's jaw dropped. In normal circumstances, he would have remained calm and tried to figure out how it had happened. But today, his nerves were completely jangled and he'd woken up to find himself dressed up as Master Shifu.

So today, Crane screamed like a little girl.

"HEEEEELP!" Crane frantically backed away from the body. "HEEELP! THERE'S A DEAD BODY IN HERE! HEEEEELP!"

Meanwhile, Mantis began to whimper. A prolonged high-pitched sound of terror emanated from his clamped mouth, stopping only when the insect needed to breathe.

"HEEEEEELP! SOMEBODY!"

"Crane, shut up!" Monkey yelled. "Mantis, stop that noise! If someone comes in and finds us with a dead body, we'll probably be spending the rest of our lives in Lijiang Jail!"

Their cries and whimpers eventually died down. Monkey sat down and covered his face with his hands as he desperately tried to come up with a solution.

The trio sat for a few minutes in silence until Monkey finally stood up.

"Crane, grab those bed sheets."

Minutes later, the trio stumbled out of the room with a large object wrapped up in several sheets. They found themselves in a larger room full of kung fu artifacts. The Blade of Bao Ding and Hammer of Lei Lang were visible in one corner of the room, AND larger artifacts such as the Armor of Jong Li and the Sarcophagus of SuWu were positioned in the middle of the floor. It appeared as though repairs had recently been made to one of the walls: buckets of cement and boxes of tools stood in a small group next to what looked like a recently patched hole the size of an elephant's belly.

"This must be where the Master's Council put all the artifacts." Crane gazed at his surroundings.

"Mantis. Scout ahead and make sure no-one's around." Monkey said as he adjusted his grip on Fung's head. "And look for something we can stash the stiff in!"

Mantis zipped off, his glued Mohawk rustling with the airflow.

He returned two minutes later.

"No-one's around. And there's a big chest three floors below where we can hide him."

His comrades proceeded to carry the body across the room and out a door they hadn't noticed before. Lead by Mantis, they made their way down the tall staircase they found themselves on. Three floors down, passing a run down training hall and bathroom as they went, they staggered down a small corridor until they reached a large metal chest. With some effort, they stuffed the deceased Fung inside and then padlocked the chest.

They then collapsed to the floor and spent several minutes breathing heavily from exhaustion.

"Guys…" Monkey said eventually. "We still have to find Shifu."

His comrades groaned.

Then the same thought came to all three of them.  
The training hall.

* * *

"SHIFU!"

"MASTER SHIFU, WHERE ARE YOU!"

The trio burst through the ancient double doors they had passed earlier and scattered as they frantically searched the dusty deserted training hall strongly resembling the hall back at the Jade Palace.

However, there was no large hole in the floor with a trapped Po inside anywhere in the room.

"Guys, he's not here." Monkey groaned as the trio gathered in the middle of the room after five minutes of searching.

"I can't believe this is happening again!" Crane covered his painted white head with his dark brown wings. "And this time it's so much worse than when we lost Po!"

Monkey and Mantis opened their mouths to disagree, but then realized that Crane was absolutely right.

This was far worse than losing Po two days before his special ceremony. Back then, the consequences would be that Po wouldn't become an official kung fu master. End of story. But now… if the trio failed to find their master, the Grandmaster of the Jade Palace, the palace would become vulnerable to enemies who would invade and try to take over, or plunder the palace for all the priceless treasures within. And Tigress, Shifu's adopted daughter, would be devastated, and probably rip the trio's throats out. Po, whose self-loathing had been cured by Shifu's discovery of his motivation to train successfully through food, would never forgive them for losing the red panda who had helped him to better themselves.

If they screwed this up… they would lose everything.

They had no time to wallow in guilt and anger.

"Okay, guys. You know the drill." Monkey said suddenly. "Check your pockets!"

"Why?"

"We might find clues! Just do it!"

The trio lowered themselves to the floor and proceeded to empty their pockets.

It was practically the same as last time. Gathered in a pile on the floor were coins and bottle tops.

"Darn, I've got nothing!" Crane snapped.

"Me either!" Monkey said.

Mantis, however, had pulled out what looked like an enormous map of the city.

Monkey and Crane stared at the tiny bug.

"How the heck did you carry that?" Monkey asked. The map was bigger than Crane's wingspan.

Mantis simply shrugged.

Then jumped ten feet when something bit his antennae.

The baby loris squeaked in amusement as Mantis landed on Money's head.

"What the heck is with this baby?" Monkey asked.

"Never mind that!" Crane said. "Let's get out of this place and find Shifu!"

"Yeah, and we'll take the mirror with us!" Monkey agreed. "If Shifu returns to the tower, Po will let us know with the mirror he's holding."

* * *

Thirty minutes later, the trio had exited what turned out to be an abandoned kung fu temple and were now walking through the bustling streets of the city of Lijiang. Since Crane's hat was missing, they had bought him a new, shorter one at his insistence. The baby loris was curled up in a sleeping position on top of the hat, still sucking on Shifu's severed beard.

"Monkey, I really think we should inform the authorities." Crane said as they walked over one of the many wooden bridges within the city.

"Why, so we can tell them about a dead crocodile bandit stuffed in a chest?" Monkey replied. "Because that's a real smart idea!"

"I mean to form a search party for Shifu!"

"And reveal to untrustworthy people that the Jade Palace is vulnerable? Another smart idea, Crane!"

"Well what the heck are we gonna do then?" Crane retorted. "Just wander aimlessly round the city all day? Cause that's probably gonna work… NOT!"

"Hey, there's no need to take that attitude with me, Crane!"

"I have every need to take this attitude with you, and do you know why?" Crane was raising his voice. "Because all we've done today since waking up is stuff a dead body in a chest, walk around in circles, buy me a new hat and buy that baby loris a diaper!"

"Crane, will you just calm down!"

"I will not calm down! Not this time! Our master of fifteen years is missing two days before the opening of a kung fu academy, and it's all your fault!"

"How the hell is it my fault?" Monkey stared.

"'Cause I never wanted to go to that stupid tavern! And you just had to convince me to come!"

"What has making you come to the tavern with us got to do with Shifu disappearing?"

"I don't know!"

"Then shut up!"

"Hey, guys!" Mantis piped up. "That mirror's glowing again!"

Indeed, the Mirror of Communication, which Monkey still possessed, was once again glowing white.

"Maybe, it's Po!" Monkey raised the mirror so he could see the glass surface.

The image changed, once again displaying a giant panda.

"Po!" Monkey stared into the mirror. "Any news about Shifu?"

"Good news." The Po in the mirror spoke. "Shifu's been found."

"Oh thank god!" Monkey gasped in relief along with his comrades. "Where is he?"

"I just got this message from a messenger goose that Shifu has just been found in a tavern downtown. Apparently he came in with some people, had a few too many drinks, fell asleep in a wooden box, and the people he was with had a huge bar fight, then left in a hurry and forgot about him. Of course, when I say some people I mean you."

The trio cringed.

"Which tavern is it?" Monkey asked as he pulled out the city map.

"The Wing Tavern in Red Dragon Street." Po said. "Just head down, and they'll give him up, no questions asked. No-one has to know."

"Great, awesome." Monkey said. "Just hang on and we'll get Shifu back in Gongmen City by tonight."

"Good, and be quick. The others are starting to get worried."

Po's image faded.

The trio stared at each other with giddy expressions. It looked like today wasn't going to be a repeat of the _incident_ after all.

* * *

The Wing Tavern was a small building at the far end of the street.

"Some poisoned us again!" Crane said as we walked. "There's no other explanation!"

"But how?" Monkey replied. "It wasn't Mantis, because he said he didn't do it!"

"Like I said before, I swear to god!" Mantis added.

"So how did all of us get poisoned?" Monkey went on. "I remember getting the bottle of rice wine myself…"

"Why don't we focus on getting Shifu back!" Mantis spoke. "Then we can focus on finding out how we got poisoned again."

The other two silently agreed.

Upon entering the tavern, the trio found that the place was a complete mess. Upturned tables and smashed chairs were everywhere.

"You don't think we started another riot, did we?" Mantis whispered to his friends.

"Don't think so." Monkey said. "There's no sign of a riot outside. Wait here and I'll find the staff."

Crane and Mantis sat on two of the few intact chairs in the area as Monkey approached the bar.

The baby loris leapt down from Crane's hat onto the chair between them and picked up a slightly charred poster. Turning the paper to the back, the baby grabbed a burned chopstick and began to use the blackened end as a crayon, drawing childish scribbles on the blank side of the poster. After a couple of minutes, Mantis glanced over at the baby's work, and his interest became piqued. He picked up another burned chopstick, and began drawing on one corner of the paper. Before he knew it, he was being beaten five times of out five in a game of notes and crosses.

"You're cheating, aren't ya?" Mantis muttered as the baby giggled, drawing a line between three crosses for the sixth time.

"Mantis, what the heck are you doing?" Crane stared at the two small creatures.

"Passing the time." Said Mantis.

"By playing notes and crosses with a baby?"

"Hey, at least we haven't been sitting idle for five minutes!"

At that moment, Monkey returned.

"I found the bartender. He's getting Fing the waiter to get Shifu out the back room." He said.

"Yes!" Crane and Mantis leaned back in their chairs in relief.

"Wait a sec…" Mantis straightened up. "Isn't Fing Feng's nephew?"

"How did you know that?" Monkey asked.

"He told me about him during the Winter Feast. Fing's working in the tavern to get by, but is hoping to become a professional artist like his uncle. Apparently, he's just as good at it."

At that moment, the nephew in question emerged from the backroom, dragging behind him a large wooden red box on two horizontal poles.

The trio's eyes widened and their hearts sank.

"Isn't that Master Yao's box?" Mantis asked.

"What the hell… hey, Fing!" Monkey raised his voice slightly in dismay and shock. "That's not Shifu!"

"It isn't?" Fing blinked.

"No, that's Master Yao!" Crane exclaimed. "What is he doing here?"

"No idea." Fing said. He held out a shimmering green cloth. "My boss found Master Shifu's green cloak hanging on the box and assumed that he was inside. I'm very sorry!"

"It's alright!" Monkey groaned. "Come on guys, let's get him out of here! He might know where Shifu is."

The baby loris perched on top of Master Yao's box as Crane and Monkey picked it up by the two poles and carried it out the tavern.


	5. Yao Ming Temple

**Disclaimer: Could you readers do me a favor, and write in your review whether I need to write a disclaimer on every single chapter, or just at the start. It'd be really good to know.**

* * *

The trio carried Master Yao's box into a nearby alley and set it down carefully.

While Mantis and the baby loris played notes and crosses for the eighth time, Crane stepped up to the red meditation box and leaned in very close to the side.

"Do you know where Shifu is?" He asked loudly and slowly.

No sound came from the box.

"You know? Black and white giant panda? Dragon Warrior?"

Silence.

"Will you please talk me to me?"

Fifteen minutes of numerous questions and no answers later, Crane was shouting himself hoarse.

"Crane, it's no use!" Monkey finally said.

"Shifu's robe was on that box, Yao has to know something!" Crane glanced at his friend.

"Master Yao spends year after year meditating in that box. It would be useless to try to get anything out of him while he's in there."

"Then let's get him out!" Crane reached for the latch.

"Crane, no! Don't open that box!" Monkey grabbed Crane's wing before he could undo the latch. "Do remember what happened when Master Shifu opened the box last year, when Master Yao came to the Jade Palace?"

Crane lowered his wing at once.

"Point taken." He lowered his head. "What do you suggest we do?"

"Well we can't leave him here." Monkey rubbed his scalp. "We'll need to find out where he came from. Check the box for clues."

And so the trio surrounded the box and examined the sides, corners, and the little grooves at the edges.

"I've got nothing." Monkey groaned as he lowered his hands from the top of the box.

"Same here." Crane stepped away from the box in defeat.

"Darn it, we are so screwed!" Monkey sat down on the floor. "We've got no more leads."

"Wait a sec…" Crane blinked. "Where's Mantis?"

At that moment, the baby loris skipped over to the box and stuck his hand in the space between the bottom and the ground. In five seconds, he had yanked out a slightly disheveled Mantis.

"Thanks, baby!" Mantis breathed. "I thought I was going to be stuck under there for ages!"

"What the hell where you doing under there, Mantis?" Monkey asked.

"Looking for clues! And I think I found a lead." Said Mantis as he dusted himself off. "There's a stamp on the underside that reads; _Property of the Yao Ming Temple_."

"Was that the abandoned temple we woke up in?" Crane asked.

"Let me check." Monkey examined the city map. "No, it's not. It's another temple five blocks from here. Crane, help me pick Yao up!"  
"What do I do?" Mantis asked as his comrades lifted the box.

"Make sure that baby doesn't run off!"

Mantis looked at the giggling baby loris,

"Looking after baby Kuo was easier." The insect muttered.

* * *

Five blocks later, the temple was within sight, at the far end of the wide street the trio was now traveling down.

As they struggled slightly with the weight of Master Yao's box, Monkey and Crane were engaged in an intense conversation.

"The bottle was sealed when you gave it to me, wasn't it?" Crane asked.

"Yes, I made sure the bottle I was given had never been opened before." Monkey replied.

"And Po, Tigress and Viper all had the wine, and they were completely fine."

"So it definitely wasn't the rice wine."

"Then how in the hell did we all get poisoned again? And what did we get poisoned with?"

"Hey, guys!" Mantis suddenly spoke from the top of Yao's box. "Look at this!"

Mantis pointed at one of the small shops lining the streets. It was a seamstress's shop.

"What, Mantis?" Crane asked irritably. Then he gaped at the poster featuring his image attached to the door.

**HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BIRD? WANTED FOR THE THEFT OF THREE BOTTLES OF CLOTHES DYE, A MOP, AND A KNIFE.**

"Ooooh…myyyyy…_goooood_…" Crane whispered.

"Crane, you didn't…" Monkey whispered. "Did you?"

Crane didn't answer.

"Stay out here and look after Yao and the baby, and we'll go inside and ask some questions." Monkey and Mantis quickly entered the shop.

The shop was dimly lit. At the far end of the room was a middle aged goose making measurements on a pig.

"Er, hello." Monkey and Mantis stepped forward. "You probably won't remember us…"

"You!"

The slightly aged goose suddenly stood bolt upright, startling her customer.

"You two have a lot of nerve coming back here!" She thundered. "Where is that feathered thieving friend of yours?"

"We don't know!" Monkey lied. "Look, we're really sorry he stole those objects, but the thing is, we can't remember exactly what happened here. Could you please tell us?"

"Last night, you three came into my shop for costumes!"

"What for?"

"You didn't say. It wasn't until I got them made and you left that I realized that my dyes, mop and knife were stolen!"

"What colour dyes did Crane steal?" Mantis asked.

"White, brown, and black, if you must know!"

Monkey and Mantis gaped at each other. They felt very sorry for their friend outside right now.

"Was anyone or anything else with us when we came into the shop?" Monkey eventually asked.

"Well…" The goose rubbed her chin in thought, her anger slightly lessened. "There was this big red box that you carried in… and this very old red panda."

"That's Master Shifu!" Mantis exclaimed.

"Thank you for telling us this, ma'am." Monkey said. "Again, we're really sorry, and here's a hundred yuan to replace the stuff we stole."

Once back outside, they told Crane everything the goose had told them.

"I COVERED MYSELF IN CLOTHES DYE?" Crane screamed. "THAT'LL NEVER WASH OFF! I'M SO SCREWED!"

He was still moaning in despair when he and Monkey lifted Yao's box and set off towards the Yao Ming Temple.

* * *

The beautiful green garden the trio stepped into looked as if it had sprung right out of a painting.

"Woah…" Crane whispered. "Have you ever been inside such a peaceful place?"

His friends silently shook their heads in awe.

The Yao Ming Temple, while much smaller than the Jade Palace, was easily the most beautiful place they had ever visited. Lush grass covered every inch of the grounds, and a small pagoda sat in the very centre of a large pond, accessible only through a tiny curved bridge.

"Let's just return Master Yao and ask some questions." Monkey said.

The trio slowly carried the box in the direction of the pagoda, and as they got closer they realized that it was populated by two-dozen small children sitting in lotus positions.

"Oh, aren't they cute." Mantis whispered.

"There they are!" A tiny voice suddenly rang from the pagoda. The children simultaneously leapt to their feet and turned to face the trio.

"Hey, do they know us?" Crane asked.

The children suddenly began sprinting across the bridge as a group.

"Get the thieves!" A child yelled.

"Yes, I think they know us." Said Monkey.

Then they saw the twenty four thick bamboo staffs the children were holding as they ran straight for the trio.

"Uh oh…" Mantis said. "I think we're in for a lot of AH! OW! YOW!"

In seconds, the trio was on the ground, completely helpless as twenty four small children furiously rapped them with their staffs. The baby loris leapt onto a nearby rock and clapped happily as he watched the action unfold.

"OH! OW! OH THAT'S GONNA OW! HURT IN THE MORNING! YEOW!" Mantis cried out before a gosling slammed his staff down between the insect's legs. "HA-HA-_HOW_!"

"OW! YOW! HEY! STOP! WE'RE SORRY! WE'RE JUST ARGH! TRYING TO YOW! RETURN HIM WAH!" Monkey yelled as a tiny rabbit repeatedly beat his exposed stomach, bruising it badly after two hits.

"STOP!" Crane screamed as a little piglet leapt on his head and started beating him in the face. "STOP! OW! STOP IT! GAH! STOP HITTING ME! DOH! HELP! OW! HELP! SOMEONE HELP US! YOW! _HEEEEEELP_!"

"Students, that's enough!"

Instantaneously, the children ceased their beating and stepped away from the trio.

Aching all over, it took two minutes for the trio to get to their feet and face the tall ram who had come to their rescue.

"Thank you…" Monkey gasped and massaged his pummeled stomach.

"Master Yao will be pleased to know that his meditation box has been returned." The ram said.

The trio blinked simultaneously.

"What the hell did you just say?" Mantis asked.

* * *

"In here." The ram lead the trio into a small room deep within the temple's main building. Sitting in lotus position on a mat in the middle of the room was an ancient blackbuck.

"Master Yao." The ram bowed at the waist. "The three warriors have returned with the box."

"Very good." Master Yao slowly stood up and turned to the stunned trio.

"Master Yao?" Monkey gaped. "You were here this whole time?"

"I can't believe this!" Crane groaned. "I spent fifteen minutes talking to an empty box!"

"We can't remember anything last night." Monkey spoke. "Could you please tell us what we did here?"

"Late last night, you climbed over the walls of our temple." The ram spoke. "You were shouting questions about life, the power of the Wuxi Finger Hold, and the secret ingredient to Mr Ping's secret ingredient soup. Master Yao had been meditating in the garden, but fortunately he had left his box to go to the bathroom when you took it."

"Oh my god!" Crane gasped. He leaned in towards Monkey and whispered: "We stole Master Yao's box!"

"Hah! Classic us!" Mantis laughed. The baby loris nibbled Shifu's beard.

"Excuse me, bit isn't that Master Shifu's beard?" Master Yao asked suddenly.

"Yeah, it got cut off and we have no idea how it happened." Mantis replied without missing a beat.

"We are so sorry about we stole your box!" Monkey bowed to the blackbuck. "But we weren't ourselves, last night."

"Yeah, things got a little bit out of hand." Crane added. "Pardon the understatement. But our master is missing and the only part of him we've found so far is his beard. Do you have any idea where he is?"

To their dismay, Master Yao shook his head.

"There are many things in this world that I know, and I am very sorry to say that the whereabouts of Master Shifu is not one of them." Master Yao said.

"Darn!" Crane groaned.

Monkey simply sighed in annoyance.

"Well anyway, here's your box back, and once again we are so sorry. Come on guys, let's go."

Crane gently picked up the baby loris and placed him on his shoulder as they headed for the exit.

"Just a moment, young men."

The trio stopped and turned back to Master Yao.

"There is a way to find out where he is." The blackbuck said.

"How?" Monkey asked.

"No memory is ever truly lost." Said Master Yao. "They are simply buried deep within. If you take your question to the temple of meditation, you will find the answers you seek."

"What did he say?" Crane asked, not catching what the master had just said.

"He either said the sample of mediation or the pimple of medication." Said Mantis. "I get that sometimes."

Master Yao blinked.


	6. Pyramid of Cups

**Disclaimer: I don't own kfp or hangover.**

* * *

Inside the pagoda of meditation, twenty four small children sat silently in lotus positions on the cool wooden floor, their bamboo staffs discarded to the sides. Behind the small children sat three men who looked like they were straining on the toilet rather than meditating. In the little gap between the children and the men, a baby loris sat with his head bowed, his little hands clasped in front of him like he was praying.

"This is a waste of time." Monkey whispered, his eyes still shut. "I don't remember a gosh-darn thing. Crane, what about you?"

It was a few seconds before Crane answered.

"I don't remember anything either." He muttered. "Mantis what about you?"

There was no answer.

"Mantis?" Monkey asked.

When Mantis still didn't answer, his friends opened their eyes and turned their heads.

Mantis was sitting stock still, his eyes shut, his mouth half open.

"Mantis?"

* * *

"_MANTIS!"_

_A tiny ten year old Mantis heard Crane's yell._

"_Huh?"_

"_GET YOU MINIATURE BUTT IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"_

_Mantis followed the sound of Crane's furious voice. Inside Mantis's own room, he found a hatchling Crane, a dumpling shaped cub Po and a thin looking child Monkey looking annoyed. _

"_Wassup?" little Mantis asked._

"_Explain this!"_

_Crane picked up a box full of pictures._

"_It's just of box of private stuff!" Mantis said._

"_Oh really?" Po asked. _

_Crane removed the lid to reveal a large pile of small paintings._

"_I thought we told you to burn these after we looked at them! This is a total violation of trust!"_

* * *

"_Master Shifu does know where we're going, right?" An adorable cub Tigress asked as the six warrior kids walked through the streets of Gongmen City. _

"_It's alright." little Mantis looked up from the city map he was holding. "I told him we were going to have a look at this kung fu academy before the opening."_

"_You lied to him?" Tigress's large eyes widened._

"_Yeah."_

_Tigress growled._

* * *

"_Hey, everybody. Here's some fun facts. The population of Gongmen City is forty-thousand people. It's twice the size of Anyang. Its chief exports are fireworks, rice and kites. Each year, approximately four hundred people are killed in fireworks accidents in Gongmen City. The climate in Gongmen…"_

"_Mantis! Why don't you skip to the last paper?" _

"_Oh, okay then. Not one of you know Po like I do! Not you! Not you! Not you! Not you! Not nobody knows Po like I do! No one! I can't even tell you what we've been through, because we made a pact more important than blood! What I can tell you is this: Po is not the simple-minded greedy guts you probably think him to be. There was this time last year when I found him in his room with…"_

_Cub Po bodily launched himself across the table._

* * *

"_Guh!"_

_Young Tigress suddenly clutched her side._

"_Tigress, are you all right?" Cub Po rushed round the table over to her._

"_I'm fine, it's this stupid wound!" Tigress answered through gritted teeth._

"_We should get you back." A tiny Viper the width and length of child Monkey's tail slithered across the table. "You'll be worse if those stitches burst."_

* * *

"_There you are!"_

_Hatchling Crane, child Monkey and little Mantis jumped as old Master Shifu suddenly appeared behind them._

"_How did you find us?" Monkey asked._

"_I found out from Po when he returned with Viper and Tigress. May I ask what you're doing here?"_

"_Attending the opening of this tavern!" Mantis said. "You're not gonna drag us back, are you?"_

"_After what happened last year, I think I might."_

"_Aw come on! Just let us have one more drink! Why don't you join us?"_

"_I don't think so."_

"_Come on!" Mantis grabbed a second bottle and handed it to Shifu. "Just one cup!"_

* * *

_Inside a hot kung fu storage room, little Mantis tumbled out of the hammock and staggered up to child Monkey._

"_Monkey… I think it's happened again."_

_Little Mantis and child Monkey stared at hatchling Crane as he slowly emerged from the hammock._

* * *

"_Oh gosh… Mantis… your head…"_

"_No… your head…"_

"_He's bald!"_

"_Crane, you're gonna freak out… but it's gonna be okay…"_

"_What? Is it my feathers?"_

"_Sort of… you'd better look in the mirror over there…"_

"_Oh my gawd!"_

* * *

"_Are you guys ready for the craziest freaking story ever…"_

"_Fung? Fung? Can you hear me?" Damn, he's dead!"_

"_WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!"_

* * *

"_Fung, you wanna party with us?"_

"_Well..." Baby Fung rubbed his chin. "Okay! Let's go on my boat!"_

"_Promise you won't steal anything, and we'll promise not to kick your butt."_

"_Alright, deal."_

* * *

_Inside the Wing Tavern, child Monkey lost his drink when a large boar bumped his shoulder too hard for it to be an accident._

"_Oi!" Monkey yelled. "Why don't you pick on someone your own size!"_

"_Get lost, primate!" The boar yelled._

"_You get lost!"_

"_Hey, easy!" baby Fung yelled._

"_No!" Monkey socked the boar._

"_Why you…" The boar tackled Monkey in a bear hug._

"_Get him, Monkey!" Shifu screamed, waving his fists in the air and dancing on top of Yao's box along with little Mantis. He twirled his green cloak in a fat circle above his head and swung his hips to the side._

_Monkey and the boar rolled around on the ground as hatchling Crane lay passed out on the bar._

* * *

"_Stop thief!" _

_A middle aged goose screamed in anger as hatchling Crane sprinted down the street, a mop and knife in his beak and his wings laden with bottles of dye. Shifu and child Monkey ran alongside him with the packages containing their costumes. Little Mantis, meanwhile carried a tub of glue, while baby Fung dragged Master Yao's meditation box behind him. _

_They ducked into a small alleyway._

"_Did we lose her?" hatchling Crane asked._

"_Yeah!" Said Monkey._

"_Hey, Monkey." Little Mantis spoke up. "Can I borrow your fur?"_

* * *

_Now dressed in their respective costumes, the kids and Shifu approached the large building where the sounds of children laughing and playing sounded inside…_

Mantis opened his eyes, taking Monkey and Crane by surprise.

"I know where to go."

* * *

"Are you sure this is the place?" Crane asked.

"Yes, I'm positive." Mantis replied.

The trio (and baby loris) were now standing in front of a large building named _Lijiang Orphanage_. It was tall and circular, very similar to the Bao Gu Orphanage where Tigress grew up in.

"Why would we go here of all places?" Monkey looked at the insect.

"I'm not sure." Said Mantis. "All I know is that we definitely came here… in costume."

"Costume?" Crane gasped. He looked down at his dyed body.

"Alright, let's go in."

The trio stepped into the circular courtyard.

It looked as though there had been a recent party. Bits of food were scattered all over the floor, and the remains of a buffet table stood at one side of the courtyard. An enormous pyramid of peace juice cups the width and height of a full grown Asian elephant stood in the centre of the room. An elderly sheep was sweeping across the courtyard.

"Hello, there." Monkey was the first to step forward. "Are you the matron?"

"I am." The sheep stopped her sweeping and turned to the trio. "Oh, it's you!"

To their astonishment, the sheep was smiling.

"The children will be so happy to know you've returned!" She went on.

"They will?" Crane blinked.

"I'm sorry, but we can't really remember anything that happened last night." Said Monkey. "Could you tell us what we did here?"

"Oh yes." The sheep sat down on one of the tables. "You see, the children were so disappointed when the Adoption Day a couple of days ago had to be cancelled because of a thunderstorm. So we organized this little party to lift their spirits. Early into the revelry, you three, plus a crocodile and a red panda older than me, gate crashed the party in these crazy costumes!"

"We did?" Mantis gaped.

"Oh gosh, we are so sorry!" Monkey groaned.

"Oh no, don't be." The sheep raised a hand. "You may have been utterly drunk, but you weren't a bother at all. In fact, the children absolutely loved you!"

"Really?" Crane stared. "We didn't cause any trouble?"

"No, all you did was provide the entertainment! You in particular…" The sheep looked at Crane. "did these delightful impersonations of someone named Master Shifu, and built that pyramid there!"

Mantis hopped up to the bottom of the pyramid of cups.

"Whoa… there must be a gazillion cups in there…" He tapped one of the corner cups…

And the entire pyramid came crashing down.

Monkey, Crane and the sheep leapt onto the sprawled out chairs as hundreds and thousands of wooden cups cascaded in an avalanche across the ground, completely covering the stone paving in under a foot of cups. Several seconds after the avalanche, the baby loris leapt down from Monkey's shoulder and stuck his little hand into the sea of cups, pulling out a dazed Mantis.

"MANTIS, WHAT THE _HELL_!" Monkey yelled.

"I'm sorry!" Mantis kept a tight hold on the baby as it climbed onto the buffet table.

He opened his mouth the yell some more, but was interrupted by the approaching pitter patter of tiny feet. Then three-dozen small children burst into the courtyard.

"Matron, what was that noise?" A little rabbit called out before he and his fellow orphans caught sight of Monkey and the others. Then they all cried out in joy and climbed across the sea of cups towards the trio and brought them crashing down with group hugs.

* * *

Five minutes later, the trio was gathered with several of the orphans in the courtyard, the cups all swept into a pile in one corner.

"I'm sorry, mister, but we haven't seen the old guy since last night." Said a piglet girl. "You left when it was time for us to go to bed."

Monkey sighed, not feeling very surprised.

"Hey, do you guys know why we came here in costume?" Crane asked. He wouldn't stop scowling at the giggles the orphans were making as they stared at his dyed plumage.

"Hehehehehehe… it was a costume party we were having, silly!" The rabbit child giggled. "You guys caught wind of the party and decided to gatecrash!"

"What costumes were we wearing?" Mantis asked. "We kind of already know, of course, we just wanna know if you knew what we were."

"Well, you were dressed up as metal." The rabbit said.

"Metal?" Mantis blinked.

"Yeah. During the party, you told us about the time a group of bad guys tried to invade the palace by pretending to be the five elements. You were dressed up as 'Metal', with a Mohawk and tiny suit of armor and sword and everything!" **(See the Kung Fu Panda comic 'It's Elemental')**

"Awesome!" Mantis grinned, and rubbed his glued Mohawk. "Any idea where my amour and sword went?"

"You threw the armor away, but gave me the sword!" A tiny gosling lifted a feathered wing, a tiny sword in his grasp. "The sword's fake, so matron didn't mind."

"What did I come as?" Monkey asked.

"You dressed up as the crocodile, and he dressed up as you." Said the rabbit. "Basically you changed clothes."

At that moment, Mantis gasped.

"Holy crap… Monkey, your pants!"

"What?" Monkey felt his rear, and his eyes widened when he found the enormous hole where his tiny tail hole had been ripped wider by Fung's thick croc tail.

"Oh god!" Monkey fell backwards onto the seat of his pants as the orphans burst out laughing. "D'you mean I've walked all over the city with my butt exposed?"

"And I thought my Mohawk was humiliating!" Mantis laughed hysterically.

"Here, tie this round yourself!" Crane tossed Monkey a blanket. "Guessing from my re-colored plumage, I was dressed as Master Shifu." He scowled again when the children resumed their giggles.

"Oh, so that's who the old guy was." The orphans murmured. "He looked so different with all that black dye."

"Black dye?" Crane blinked.

"Yeah, Shifu dressed up as the Dragon Warrior!"

"He did?" Mantis stifled a laugh.

"Yeah! He put on these tiny shorts and dyed the colored parts of himself black."

"He dyed himself?" Monkey chortled.

"Yeah. And when we told him that the Dragon Warrior from the posters didn't have facial hair, he got a kitchen knife and cut off his beard and mustache."

Monkey leapt back into his chair.

Mantis dropped his cup of tea.

Crane fell from his chair and crashed to the floor.

"He… WHAT?" Crane half-gasped, half-shrieked the second word.

"Yeah, and he gave the beard to that baby monkey thing for safe keeping!" The gosling said.

Crane staggered to his feet as Monkey and Mantis gaped at the baby loris sat between them, still nibbling their master's beard.

* * *

**Ho... ly... CRAP!  
**

**Shifu cut off his own facial hair?  
**


	7. Completely Screwed

**Disclaimer: I don't own KFP or the Hangover.**

**Author's note- I've been hearing a lot about all the Legends of Awesomeness hate. Don't go crazy at me for this, but despite its faults I enjoy the show. It's one of the reasons why I've added so many of its characters to my fan fictions, aside from having the wide diversity of characters that the Hangover series is known for.**

**Anyway, keep reading and keep reviewing! Thanks!**

* * *

"Bye, kids! Thanks for having us last night!" Monkey waved to the children and matron as he and his friends exited the orphanage, keeping his other hand wrapped tightly around the knot holding the blanket round his torn pants. Mantis and the baby loris waved from his shoulders. Crane waved for a few seconds before falling silent and staring at the ground with a stony expression.

The children waved happily back as the trio disappeared round the corner.

"Okay, so the orphanage was a dead end." Monkey spoke as they walked down the small empty dead end street. "But we've still got until tomorrow morning to find Master Shifu, so we've still got plenty of time…"

"Then I vote that we all throw ourselves off a cliff the second we find Shifu." Crane spoke for the first time in half an hour.

Monkey stopped dead. He and Mantis stared at their friend.

"Throw ourselves off a cliff?" Monkey repeated. "Who are you and what have you done with Crane?"

"I don't know, Monkey." Crane said. "Apparently I'm someone who covers myself in clothes dye so I look like my master. This whole situation is completely… _screwed_! This dye…" He gestured to his body. "This hair…" He tugged at Mantis's glued hair.

"YOW!"

"And your pants…" Crane ripped the blanket from Monkey's waist.

"Oi, Crane!" Monkey yelled as he quickly retrieved the blanket and tied it back round his middle.

"Are all results of a night that has essentially ruined our lives!" Crane snapped. "And we're going to end our lives before they can get any more worse!"  
"Crane, are you nuts?" Monkey yelled. "I know our lives have gone upside down, but I'm not going to freaking kill myself!"

"I'll do it!" Crane retorted.

"Save the suicidal thoughts for later!" Monkey grasped Crane's shoulders. "Let's find a carriage so we can get around faster."

"Hey guys." Mantis spoke. "How about that one?"

He pointed to a small four wheeled carriage ten feet down the street.

"Mantis, we're not stealing again!" Crane glared at him. "Remember what happened when we stole Mr Ping's noodle cart last year?"

"But guys, I think this one belongs to us. Look at the left front wheel."

Monkey and Crane followed his gaze… and spotted the tiny brown masters robe pinned beneath the wheel.

"That's Master Shifu's!" Monkey gasped. "Good work, Mantis!"

"Did we steal that too?" Crane asked.

"I don't think so. It's one of those hired carriages."

"Well let's get in, guys! Maybe there are clues in there somewhere!" The trio rushed over to the carriage. "Who gets to drive?" Crane asked.

"I'll do it." Said Mantis.

"Not a chance. Get in the carriage." Monkey picked Mantis up off his shoulder, opened the carriage door and flung the insect inside. The baby loris jumped in after him. "Crane, get in too, and I'll drive."

"But are you strong enough to pull it?"

"It's okay. I'll use that trick I used when we were infiltrating Mao City."

A white light suddenly caught their eyes. The Mirror of Communication was glowing again.

"I'll answer it." Said Crane. "Give me the mirror and you get the carriage ready for that trick of yours."

Monkey nodded and handed Crane the mirror. As Crane raised the mirror to his face, Monkey leaned down and swiftly punched a hand-sized hole in the right side of the carriage, just above the back wheel.

The reflection once again changed into a giant panda as Crane stared into the mirror.

"Crane!" Po exclaimed.

"Po, what's up?" Crane asked. "Is Master Shifu back at the tower yet? Please tell me he is!"

"No, he's not anywhere! Where the heck are you guys?"

Crane frowned as he noticed Po's agitation.

"Po, what's going on over there?"

"Master Storming Ox and Croc are starting to get concerned, and Tigress and Viper keep asking me where you guys are!" Po spoke. "I'll ask again… where the heck are you?"

"We're in this city a few miles away called Lijiang." Crane answered.

"_Lijiang_?" Po stared through the mirror at Crane. "Are you serious? You're actually in another freaking city?"

"Yes, deadly serious!" Said Crane. Suddenly there was a crunch as Monkey punched a hole in the other side of the carriage.

"What was that sound?" Po asked.

"It's nothing!" Crane said quickly. "Po, try not to worry too much. We'll find Master Shifu before the opening ceremony, I promise!"

"Well, hurry up. I don't know how much longer I can hide this from-"

"Po, who are you talking to?"

Crane and Po froze as they both heard the approaching sound of Viper's voice.

"Viper!" Po spoke. "I'm just talking to… er…"

"Who is it, Po?" Viper asked off-screen. The loudness of her voice indicated that she was right next to Po.

"It's Crane!" Po confessed. "I'm just asking him if he and the others are back from their trip, yet!"

Viper seemed to notice the anxiety in his voice.

"Po, give me that mirror." She said. "I want to talk to him."

Po blinked.

"Po, give me that mirror."

"I… er…"

"Po." Crane heard a sinister hiss in Viper's voice. "Give… me… sssthat… mirror."

"Errr… No!"

There was a commotion in the mirror's reflection for as Viper leapt at Po's head and the panda fell out of view. For the next two minutes, all Crane could see were a panda's foot, a snake's green tail, and a black paw occasionally and briefly poking into the mirror's peripheral vision as the two fought. The sounds of scuffles and Po's screams could clearly be heard.

"Crane, what's going on?" Monkey asked as he used a fist-sized stone to sand the edges of the two holes down to remove splinters.

"Viper wants to talk to me." Crane simply answered.

"Don't talk to her." Monkey climbed into the carriage.

"I have to, she's fighting Po over the mirror as we speak!"

Crane turned his gaze back to the mirror, just in time to see Viper's face staring through the mirror back at him.

"Crane, tell me what's going on!" She demanded.

Behind Viper, Po could be seen staggering to his feet, rubbing his jaw with one hand and rubbing his wrist with the other hand. It seemed that Viper had decided to use her famous Stop-Hitting-Yourself Technique.

Crane gulped before answering.

"We're taking a day trip before the ceremony. Didn't Po tell you?"

"Me and Tigress have just looked all over Gongmen City for you, and there's no sign of you anywhere!" Viper said. "Where the hell are you?"

"Yeah, sorry about that." Crane said. "We covered the city a lot faster than we thought we would, so we're visiting the farmlands surrounding the city now. We were telling Po just now when you came in."

As he said this, he climbed into the carriage which was a small space with benches on opposite sides. Monkey sat on the back bench, right in between the two holes he had made earlier. On the front bench, Mantis tickled the palms of the baby loris's tiny hands, making him giggle.

"If that's true, then why did Po say no when I asked me to give him the mirror?" Viper asked skeptically.

"Hey, we were having guy talk!" Crane replied as he sat down next to Mantis. "He was probably freaked out that you may have overheard something you shouldn't."

"Hey, I heard that!" Po exclaimed indignantly.

Monkey was sighing impatiently at the long conversation that was going on, when he glanced out the window and saw four large figures enter the deserted street.

"Anyway…" Crane went on, unaware of the approaching figures. "We're just about to take a carriage ride through the fields."

"A carriage ride?" Viper frowned.

"What the hell…" Monkey breathed as the figures approached the carriage at an alarmingly fast pace. Mantis looked up, followed Monkey's gaze out the window, and gulped when he recognized the four figures as water buffalo.

And they were carrying clubs.

"So, Viper…" Crane continued to speak. "The carriage is about to get moving, so I should probably call you back…"

_Thud!_

There was a crash as one of the buffalo warriors slammed a rickshaw cart behind the carriage, effectively blocking their only path out the street. Crane jumped, and his jaw dropped as he saw the four buffalo surround the carriage.

"Get out of the carriage!" He yelled, his elongated face a mask of fury. When the trio didn't answer immediately, he slammed a fist on the door.

"What was that?" Viper asked, her eyes narrowing.

"Er… Mantis slammed the door a bit too hard. I think he's broken it!" Crane spoke quickly. "Bad Mantis! Bad boy!"

"Hey, no fair!" Mantis glared at Crane.

One of the buffalo warriors glared through the window at Monkey.

"Where the hell is he?" the buffalo yelled angrily.

"Hey, settle down!" Monkey stared back at the buffalo in alarm. "Settle down! I think we're both looking for the same person, okay?"

The buffalo bared his teeth and then swung his club down on top of the carriage. Monkey cowered and Crane gaped as a huge dent appeared in the roof right above their heads.

"What the hell, man!" Monkey yelled beneath his arms. Startled, the baby loris began to cry loudly.

"What the heck, Crane?" Viper exclaimed. "Is that a _baby_?"

"No, don't be ridiculous, it's Mantis!" Crane spoke frantically. "He just went to the bathroom and probably slammed the toilet seat on his thing again!"

"Where is he?" The buffalo yelled again.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Monkey yelled back.

The buffalo swung his club to the side, making another dent.

"Crane, what's going on?" Viper asked.

"We're just a little delayed with the carriage!" Crane struggled to maintain a calm voice. "Hey, driver? Could you hurry up and start the carriage please?"

Monkey whirled round at him.

"_I'm trying to, but we're freaking blocked!_" He hollered. Viper overheard this.

"Oh my god, what is happening?" She asked, her azure eyes wide.

This time, Crane was too shocked to answer.

"Where is he?" Another buffalo yelled as he made another large dent in the roof.

"Hey!" Mantis yelled. "There's a baby in here!"

"Someone just said baby!" Viper's eyes narrowed.

"It's a joke! Mantis is screaming like a baby 'cause he's hurt his thing again!" Crane replied.

The fourth buffalo pulled out an enormous crossbow and aimed it at the window.

"Get out of the frickin' carriage!" He bellowed.

"He's got a crossbow!" Mantis screamed.

"Of course he's got a crossbow!" Monkey screamed back.

"Viper, we're about to get going now, so I'm going to have to call you back, BYE!"

Crane dropped the mirror.

"Guys, hang on!"

Monkey reached his long arms through the two holes in the carriage and grasped the back wheels.

The carriage sped forward, going over the buffalo's foot. As the buffalo fell to the ground, yelling, the crossbow fired through the window and lodged into the wall right next to Monkey, grazing the same arm that had been shot by croc bandits last year.

"Gah!" He yelled in pain.  
"HE GOT SHOT!" Mantis screamed. "MANTIS GOT SHOT AGAIN!"

The carriage crashed into the wall in front of it.

"WAAAAAH!" Crane screamed louder.

"HANG ON!" Monkey yelled.

The carriage reversed, breaking right through the group of buffalo and smashing through the rickshaw, reducing it to splinters.

"GO, GO, GO!" Crane yelled.

The carriage swerved one hundred and eighty degrees, rounded the corner and sped off down the street, leaving the buffalo group to curse at their escape.

* * *

Inside the courtyard of the Tower of Sacred Flame, Master Viper was staring dumb-founded at the mirror she was holding. She slowly put it down and turned to stare at Po.

"Po…" She whispered. "What the hell is going on?"

Po shrugged.

"Your guess is as good as mine."

* * *

"Who the hell were those guys?" Mantis yelled.

The baby loris was still crying as the carriage quickly sped down the street.

"It's okay…" Crane gently soothed the crying infant sitting next to him. "It's okay… everything's okay… **WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?**"

"I don't know." Monkey replied, his heart racing from what had just happened.

Crane retrieved the mirror from the floor of the carriage, just as it began to glow again.

"Why don't you ignore that one?" Monkey spoke.

"HA, HA, HA, HA!" Crane hollered. "That's a _fake_ laugh, by the way!"


	8. Said Too Much

**Disclaimer: I don't own kfp or the hangover.**

**This chapter's going to be a pretty short one, so I've added a little Tipo scene at the beginning to expand it a little bit. Nothing too romantic, just two very close friends having a talk. Like with the first fan fiction, I'm keeping the Tipo stuff subtle.**

**Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

After the incident with the mirror, Po's gut was filling with dread. He was almost certain that something serious was happening to the guys, and was half tempted to travel to Lijiang City himself to find out exactly what was going on.

_I swear… if the same thing that happened to me last year has happened to Shifu, then I'm gonna-_

"Po?"

Po jumped, totally startled by Tigress's unexpected presence on the tower balcony.

"Tigress!" He exclaimed before his heartbeat returned to normal. "You surprised me!"

"I do that a lot, don't I?" Tigress smirked.

_Darn, she's beautiful when she smirks_, Po thought. A second later he was blushing.

Thankfully, Tigress didn't seem to notice.

"How's your wound?" He asked.

"It's stopped aching, if that's what you mean." Tigress patted her side. "Thank you for walking me back to the palace last night."

"Hey, don't forget that Viper helped too. Oh, and your welcome."

"Po, Viper tells me that something really bad is happening to the guys." Tigress spoke. "Do you know what's going on?"

"Not really, but I have a very bad feeling that it has something to do with a few bottles of rice wine and a tavern." Po replied. He didn't think it would be a good idea to tell Tigress that adoptive father may be missing.

"You're still keeping in touch with them with that mirror?" She asked.

"Yeah."

"And do you have any idea where they are?"

"No, even they don't know where they are." Po lied. "They don't remember anything that happened after the Fenghuang Tavern."

"Speaking of which… what did you do in your bedroom last year that made you attack Mantis when he was about to tell us?" Tigress looked him with her lovely amber eyes.

Po blushed even harder at that question.

"You don't want to know."

* * *

In a small restaurant in the heart of Lijiang City, three kung fu warriors and a baby loris sat at a small table eating small portions of tofu. Monkey wrapped a piece of his blanket around his arrow wound before eating.

"Is it serious?" Crane asked after a while.

"Nah, it's just a scratch this time." Monkey looked at Crane reassuringly.

"Who the heck were those guys?" Crane asked as he quickly finished his tofu. "They're not Lijiang guards."

"Whoever they were, they were looking for someone." Said Monkey. "Maybe it's Shifu."

"Or Fung." Said Crane. "Don't forget about him."

Mantis, meanwhile, was picking at his tofu with an odd expression on his face. Next to him, the baby loris nibbled his baby food, a little napkin round his neck.

After a long while, Mantis finally spoke.

"I'm sorry guys." He said. "This wasn't supposed to happen."

Monkey and Crane stopped talking and stared at Mantis.

"What are you talking about?" Monkey asked.

Mantis suddenly looked frightened.

"I've said too much already."

He got off his chair and hopped out of the restaurant.

Monkey and Crane looked at each other, the feeling of suspicion rising in them both, and then followed Mantis out, leaving the baby to his meal.

Fortunately the bug was still in sight when they entered the small marketplace.

"Mantis, what wasn't supposed to happen?" Crane asked as he and Monkey pursued Mantis down the street.

Mantis stopped hopping and slowly turned to them.

"Why did he have to find out?" He asked.

"Mantis, what are you talking about?" Monkey asked.

"Why did Shifu have to come to the tavern to drag us back?" Mantis asked. "I just wanted us to have a good time!"

"Mantis, what did you do?" Monkey asked. "Did you put something in the rice wine?"

"It couldn't have been the rice wine, Monkey. Po, Viper and Tigress had some, remember?" Crane spoke quickly, almost as if he was in denial.

"That was the first bottle they had." Mantis said. "It's actually the bottle I got after they left."

Monkey and Crane's eyes widened.

"What did you do to the rice wine, Mantis?" Monkey asked.

Mantis didn't answer.

"Mantis! What… did you… do?"

"It's a special toxin that causes temporary addiction to alcohol." Mantis finally confessed. "One sip of it in a bottle of rice wine, and you don't stop till you've drunk the whole bottle.

"_What?_"

"_You poisoned us __**again**_?" Crane hollered.

"Not you!" Mantis nearly begged. "I just wanted Shifu to change his mind about taking us back to the palace, so we could enjoy our first night out in more than a year!"

"Enjoy our first night out?" Monkey glared furiously at the insect. "Mantis, you told me you didn't do anything! You swore to god!"

"I just wanted us to enjoy ourselves!" Mantis whimpered.

"Look at my body!" Crane gestured at his dyed feathers in despair. "You've ruined my life!"

"You're not my friend anymore!" Monkey yelled.

Mantis gaped.

"Monkey, don't say that! Even in the Valley of Peace?"

"Especially in the Valley of Peace!" Monkey yelled.

"You are the miniature devil!" Crane screamed.

"But, you liked it!" Mantis stared pleadingly at Crane. "You grinned when I got the second bottle."  
"That was because I liked rice wine YOU FRICKIN' PSYCHO!"

Crane launched himself at Mantis, knocking them both into a pile of vegetable crates.

"WHY, MANTIS!" Crane screamed into Mantis's face. "WHY DID YOU DO IT?"

Monkey rushed over and pulled the enraged bird away.

"Guys, stop it!" He yelled. "We can't fall apart now, okay! Shifu's still missing and we have until tomorrow to find him!"

Crane turned away, his face contorted in anguish. Mantis lay flat on the ground, his lower body sticking slightly upwards.

Monkey blinked.

"Mantis, what's that on your back?"

Mantis continued to lie on the ground as Monkey inched forward to get a closer look at the small writing on his back.

"_**Quidan Village, 5:00**_" Monkey read out loud. "Mantis, did you write that?"

Mantis shook his head.

Monkey looked at the sun dial next to the trio.

"Darn it, that was three hours ago!"

"We can still go over there and find out what we were supposed to go there for." Said Mantis, finally getting to his feet.

"Crane, come on." Monkey grabbed Crane's shoulder when the bird didn't move, and dragged him back to the restaurant to retrieve the baby loris.

* * *

"…and what about Mongolia? Will you still be my friend there?"

"Mantis, I told you, it was in the heat of the moment." Said Monkey as they approached the large wooden gates of Quidan Village. "We're still friends, all over China."

"Even Mr Ping's noodle shop?"

"Yeah."

"What about you, Crane?"

Crane didn't look at him.

"We'll see." Was all he said.

"About freaking time!"

One of the two buffalo guards standing at the gate stepped forward.

"Come inside. Our king wants a word with you."


	9. Mantis Town

**Disclaimer: I don't own kfp or the hangover.**

**Just so you know, the reason why Temutai's speech is sometimes in italic, it's because I'm trying to depict his habit of yelling certain words while talking.**

* * *

The trio gulped simultaneously as they suddenly found themselves surrounded by hulking water buffalo warriors. The baby loris cowered on top of Crane's hat.

"Er… wassup guys?" Mantis spoke in a voice matching his size.

"What's up is that you're late for the meeting." Said the buffalo who had spoken before. "Now come inside!"

And so the trio was marched through the front gates and down the large courtyard, where Temutai the enormous warrior king sat on his large stone throne.

Mantis crept slowly behind Monkey's head as they approached the leader of the Quidan Clan. Last he had been in this village, he, Tigress and Po had rescued the princess Mei Ling from the potentially fatal prospect of becoming Temutai's slave. Though Temutai had honorably held up his end of the deal, he was probably still ticked.

Indeed, Temutai looked VERY sour as he glared down at the trio.

"About _time_ you showed up!" He yelled in his typically loud voice. "I had my warriors searching _all_ over Lijiang for you after you failed to come here at the scheduled _date_!"

_So that's who those guys were_, Monkey thought.

"Look, we are very sorry we're so late." Crane spoke.

"So you _should_ be!" Temutai snapped. "After all the _effort_ I put into to find that jar, they can't muster the effort to come _here_!"

The trio blinked in confusion.

"I'm sorry, but we're sort of confused…" Crane said. "Who are you-"

"_No_, I'm the one who's _confused_!" Temutai interrupted. "WHERE IS THAT FREAKIN' CROC BANDIT, AND THAT FREAKIN' LORIS, WITH THE FREAKIN' MYSTICAL JAR OF YOUTH?"

Temutai's raging fury echoed across the village.

Monkey, Crane and Mantis looked at each other uneasily.

"Uh… the Mystical Jar of Youth?" Monkey asked.

"Yes! That stupid croc _bandit_ and that miniscule _loris_ had recently acquired the jar and had offered to sell it to me last night for a _high_ price! And we were _supposed_ to make the exchange round about…" He glanced at the sundial next to the throne. "Four freakin' hours ago!"

The venom in his voice actually caused the trio to take a step back in fear.

"Wait a sec, are you talking about this little baby here?" Mantis gestured to the baby loris on Crane's hat.

"Not him!" Temutai growled. "I'm talking 'bout that so-called criminal mastermind!"

"Wait, you're talking about Tong Fo?" Mantis stared. "The evil loris who tried to destroy the Valley with the Hammer of Lei Lang?"

"Yes, that loris!" Said Temutai.

"Not this little guy?" Mantis asked.

"No, not the baby." Replied Temutai.

"Not the baby?"

"Not the baby."

"Not the little loris?"

"Not the little loris."

"Not him?"

"Not him!"

"Not the baby?"

"SHUT IT!"

Mantis buttoned his lips.

"As I was saying…" Temutai took a deep breath returned to the topic at hand. "Since they failed to show up, we took your mini-master as insurance."

"What?" Monkey's eyes widened.

"You've got Master Shifu?" Mantis gaped.

"Prove it!" Crane snapped, remembering the debacle with Lord Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow last year.

Temutai smirked, and then pointed to the right with a large hoof.

The trio's jaws dropped when they saw the chained small creature dangling from one of the large pillars. There was a thick sack over his head, but the brown and white striped tail hanging beneath it was recognizable enough.

"SHIFU!"

Crane made to leap for his master, but was caught in a head-lock mid leap.

"Ah, not so _cocky_ now, are we?" Temutai smirked as Crane was released. "Now I want you all to _shut up_ and _listen_…"

"There's a _person_ over there!" Mantis yelled.

Temutai ignored him.

"You tell that croc bandit and that loris that I'll be sitting right here at _8:00_ tomorrow morning! Now if they make the exchange, you get your tiny master _back_! If _not_…" Temuati smirked evilly. "Well I'm a bad guy. You can probably figure it out for yourself."

* * *

"We're screwed!" Crane moaned five minutes after they had been dismissed from the village. "Fung's dead and we don't have a clue where Tong Fo is! What are we gonna do?"

"Temutai doesn't give a crap about Fung or Tong Fo." Said Monkey. "It's the Mystical Jar of Youth or whatever the hell it is that he wants. All we have to do is go back to that abandoned temple and search Fung's body."

"Oh god, seriously?" Mantis stared.

"Yeah. With luck, we might find some clues. The jar could even be round the storeroom somewhere."

"We should ask Po what it looks like." Said Mantis. "He's the kung fu expert."

"Alright. Hang on a sec." Monkey raised the Mirror of Communication to his face and after two minutes, he received the information he needed.

"Why are you asking about a mystical jar, may I ask?" Po asked through the mirror.

"No reason." Monkey replied, and put down the mirror before Po could question him further.

"It's a green jar round about my height, with pictures of babies on it." He told Crane and Mantis. "Hopefully it's in the abandoned temple somewhere."

* * *

**Disclaimer II: I don't own the original version of the upcoming song.**

With the sun beginning to set, there was very little time left until Temutai's deadline. So instead of taking the small carriage, the trio hired a tiny boat in order to take advantage of the numerous waterways the city of Lijiang was famous for, and reach the place where they had woken up in the quickest time possible.

After a while of sailing down the water, Crane asked the goose pushing the boat forward with a pole if he could borrow his qinqin. The goose agreed, and Crane began to play.

"_Well, we're livin' here in Mantis town,_

_And he's driven our lives into the ground._

_When we woke up, we were wasted and sore,_

_Monkey got shot. Mantis got hit in his core._

_I was happy and my life was good,_

_Openin' an academy like a warrior should._

_Eating foodstuffs made of grain,_

_I got screwed in the head... by a bug with no brain…_"

Mantis pouted.

"In my defense, I heard from an old buddy that you don't actually need a brain!"

Crane ignored him.

"_And we're livin' here in Mantis town,_

_But they're takin' Shifu's beard and now._

_And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna lose my mind, and punch Mantis in the face…_

_Then kill myself._"

Crane gently set down the instrument.

"You totally butchered that song."

Crane slowly turned his head to look at Mantis.

"You totally butchered my life."

* * *

After a few minutes, Mantis zipped back outside the abandoned temple and stopped before his friends.

"The coast is clear. No-one's inside the building." He said quickly.

"Good." Said Monkey. "Now let's get inside before anyone sees us!"

The trio quickly crept inside and stalked across the large dilapidated hall they had just entered.

"Where's the metal chest we stuffed Fung in, again?" Crane asked.

"It was three floors below the room we woke up in, so…" Monkey paused to think. "I'm guessing that it's on the fourth floor."

"Alright, let's go." Said Crane, and headed straight for the staircase.

"Watch your step!" Monkey said. "Those stairs look ancient."

And so the trio carefully traversed the staircase with extremely light steps (Mantis's footsteps were so light he started floating) until the reached the fourth floor.

The metal chest was still halfway down the short corridor, right where they had left it. The padlock was still on, as well.

"Where's the key?" Monkey asked as he tugged fruitlessly at the lock.

"We don't need a darn key. Leave it to me." Crane said. A second later, he had picked up a broken piece of wall and smashed the lock off in two hits.

"Good work!" Monkey pulled open the heavy lid with a grunt.

The grunt turned into a scream as a supposedly deceased croc bandit leapt from the chest onto Monkey's shoulders.

"IT'S A GHOST!" Mantis shrieked and leapt into the baby loris's arms.

"WHAT THE HE-" Crane was cut off as the croc thrust a quick fist into his beaked jaw, sending him to the floor.

"Hey, Fung!" Monkey was the only one who wasn't screaming. "Settle down, it's just OW!" Fung kicked him in the shin, bringing him down on one knee.

"You darn jerks!" Fung hollered.

The crocodile was drenched in sweat, and looked like he had been sitting too close to the sun.

Monkey quickly recovered, and leapt up and grasped Fung by the arms, dragging him down and slamming him against the side of the metal chest.

"Fung, calm down!" Monkey leant in close and yelled in his face.

"You little…" Fung thrashed furiously, but was unable to escape the kung fu master's grip.

"Calm down…" Monkey repeated, lowering his voice into a more soothing tone. "Calm down…"

"I'm so hot…" Fung murmured. Sweat dripped from the end of his snout.

"We'll get you a drink…" Monkey was whispering now. "We'll make you cool again…"

"What the hell…" Crane whimpered as he rubbed his jaw. "…is going on?"

* * *

An hour later, in a small restaurant five minutes from the abandoned temple, Fung drank from his fourth bottle of water as he sat with the trio at a tiny circular table in the outdoors area.

"Are you alright?" Monkey asked. "Are you cool now?"

"I dunno." Fung glared at him. "Feel my forehead and tell me. I've been locked in a freaking metal box all day!"

"Sorry about that." Mantis muttered.

"Seriously, if you wanted the jar that bad," Fung glanced at the bug. "You didn't have to freaking lock me in a chest!"

"Fung, we said we were sorry. But you were dead. You had no pulse." Monkey said.

"Hey, have you ever drunk the Elixir of Sleeping Death before?" Fung replied. "Your heart stops, you fall into a death-like sleep, your heart starts up again! Read the manual!"

The trio stared.

"How and why did you ingest the Elixir of Sleeping Death?" Crane asked.

"It was in that little black bottle I drunk from this morning!" Fung said. "I figured it out a little while after I woke up in that chest. Tong Fo swapped my private supply of rice wine for the elixir, so he could make off with the jar and take the money for himself!"

"So Tong Fo has the jar?" Monkey groaned. "And we have no clue where he is! Darnit!"

"Hey, don't freak out, guys!" Fung said. "Tong Fo's still around."

"Really?" Crane looked up hopefully. "Where?"

"Right between you and the bug!"

"Huh?"

"Huh?"

Crane and Mantis stared at the baby loris nibbling a piece of tofu between them.

"This is Tong Fo?" Mantis gaped.

"Yeah. I didn't get a chance to tell you before I died from the elixir." Fung said. "But last night, after our crazy trip round the city, we met up with Tong Fo during the deal set up with Temutai and his boys, and we all went to the old temple afterwards to grab the jar. We found the jar, did a little bit more partying, and then Tong Fo leaned over the jar to take a look inside. Crane thought it would be funny to push him in."

Crane cringed.

"Really, Crane?" Monkey looked at his friend, eyebrows raised. "Really?"

"I was drunk." Was all Crane said.

"Is there any way to reverse this, so Tong Fo can tell us where he's hid the jar?" Mantis asked.

"The only way is to get him to drink the antidote." Said Fung. "And the only person who has the antidote is that crazy old lady with the hypno-stinger."

"Scorpion?" Monkey groaned again.

"Don't tell me we have to go and get the antidote from her!" Crane covered his head with his dyed wings.

"Well we've got no choice." Said Monkey. "It's the only way to get Shifu back, and you know it."

"Alright then…" Fung leant forward over the table. "Here's what we're gonna do…"


	10. Screaming down the Mountain

**Disclaimer: I don't own kfp or the hangover.**

* * *

"What makes you think that Scorpion is all the way up here?" Monkey asked.

"After the moon cake poisoning incident in the Valley of Peace a year or two ago, Scorpion decided to move her evil lair so you guys couldn't track her down." Fung quietly explained as he and the trio crept up the side of the small mountain that stood right next to the city of Lijiang. "She's got this new secret place up here near the summit, and she's been brewing more and more poisons ever since."

"How did you find out about the lair if it's secret?" Crane asked.

"I heard about it from Tong Fo." Fung replied. "He told me that if I ever needed a poison or two, I should go and see her. Of course, by see her he meant sneak in and nab what you need."

"And how did Tong Fo find out?"

"You can ask him once we get the antidote."

"Did you steal anything from Scorpion?" Monkey asked.

"Nah, Tong Fo was the stealthier of us. He told me that he had stolen the antidote for the Mystical Jar of Youth, but of course that was a filthy lie!" He shot a dirty look at the baby Tong Fo sitting on Monkey's shoulder. "Hey, get low. We're getting close."

Fung and the trio quickly got down on their stomachs and proceeded to crawl through the bushes commando style.

"Who gets to stay behind and look after the baby?" Mantis asked.

"I'd better do it!" Fung spoke quickly, grabbing the baby. "I mean, I'm the biggest of us, so I'll be spotted easier!"

"Wuss." Monkey muttered as they reached the edge of the bushes and peeked through the leaves.

Several rickshaw carts stood ten feet from the mouth of a moderately sized cave. Two crocodiles stood guard outside, their red eyes glowing in the darkness.

"Aren't they your guys?" Monkey asked Fung.

"Darnit!" Fung managed to stop himself from flinging down his helmet just in time. "Scorpion must have used her stinger to make them her goons! And Tong Fo told me that they had just gotten lost!"

"We can't confront them!" Monkey groaned. "If Scorpion gets alerted to our presence, she might figure out what we're after and hide the antidote. How are supposed to get past them?"

"I'll get it." Said Mantis.

"What, are you crazy?" Crane stared.

"I'm the smallest of us. I can sneak in and grab the antidote." Mantis replied. "Besides, this is all my fault. Do any of you guys know what it looks like?"

"Tong Fo said it's in a tiny green bottle." Said Fung. "The label should be on the side."

"Alright then…" Mantis took a deep breath. "I'm going in. If I'm not back in five minutes, come up with a plan B."

Before either of his friends could say 'good luck', Mantis had zipped off out of sight.

A minute later, Monkey, Crane and Fung spotted a tiny green dot crawl on the rock face above the croc zombies' heads, and disappear into the cave.

"What are we going to do for a getaway?" Fung whispered. "If we get caught, there's no way we can escape them on foot."

Monkey pondered this, and as his eyes fell on the rickshaw carts, a memory of a certain panda chasing a wolf through the streets of Gongmen City gave him an idea.

* * *

Mantis gulped as he crept along the brownish grey ceiling, praying that his green body wouldn't give him away.

Most fortunately, Scorpion was in one corner sleeping on a cushion that matched the bright red color of her body. He knew she was fast asleep, for she had her mouth open. He gulped as he caught sight of her evil-looking black stinger dangling from the side of the thick cushion.

_If she wakes up and sticks that thing in me, I'm a dead bug._ Mantis thought. Indeed, the large stinger would more likely impale him than make him a red-eyed zombie.

At the opposite side of the cave was a fifteen-foot long table on which stood dozens of bottles of various sizes. A little green bottle stood at the very edge.

"Well, that's the easy part done." Mantis barely whispered. Silently, he dropped from the ceiling and landed on the slightly uneven floor. A little rock dislodged as Mantis's foot nudged it, and the insect gaped as it fell on its side, making a _clack_ sound that echoed throughout the cave.

Scorpion barely stirred.

Mantis didn't dare breathe as he slowly approached the table on tip-toes.

_Easy does it…_ Mantis thought as he carefully climbed the table leg and over the edge of the table top. He crept slowly towards the little green bottle, and let out a silent sigh of relief as he saw the label clearly identifying it as the Antidote for the effects of the Mystical Jar of Youth.

His forelegs closed around the bottle…

He turned round to leap off the table and get the heck out of there…

Just in time to see Scorpion's many eyes snap open.

"Did you really think…" Scorpion said casually as she stood up on her cushion. "That after that thieving loris made off with my Elixir of Sleeping Death, that I would let another little pest sneak into my lair without my knowledge?"

Mantis gulped.

"Um…" Mantis opened his mouth, but no words came out. "Er…"

"Any last words before I skewer you with my stinger?" Scorpion asked.

"Er…" Mantis still couldn't speak. "If I happen to be getting smaller… that would because… I'M RUNNING FOR MY LIFE!"

The second the last five words left his mouth, Mantis sprinted out the cave with the antidote, screaming like a maniac.

* * *

"I GOT IT!" Mantis screamed as he sprinted out of the cave, right through the gap between the zombified crocodiles. The crocs caught sight of the bug with the stolen green bottle in his arms, and began their pursuit.

"Mantis, over here!" Monkey yelled.

While Mantis had been stealthily obtaining the antidote, Monkey, Crane, Fung and the baby Tong Fo had crept over to the group of rickshaw carts, and had been hiding behind them for the last three minutes, waiting for Mantis to emerge with the bottle.

"Mantis, throw me the bottle!" Crane yelled.

Mantis tossed the bottle in the avian's direction. Without his burden, Mantis was able to take a huge leap and land in one of the carts.

In the three seconds that the bottle flew through the air, Monkey, Fung, Crane and the baby leapt into the cart along with Mantis. The cart was one of the bigger rickshaws, designed to carry larger animals such as rhinos.

"I'll drive!" Fung yelled.

Crane grabbed the flying antidote just as the weight of the group caused the cart to tilt forward and begin its descent down the steep mountain…

Just as a large red scorpion leapt out of nowhere and also grabbed the bottle in her large pincers.

"Oh no you don't, you feathered miscreant!" Scorpion growled.

"Pull that freaking bottle in!" Monkey yelled as the cart rapidly increased in speed as it descended through the forest.

"I'm trying!" Crane yelled as Scorpion flailed in the air in her attempts to wrench the bottle from Crane's grasp.

A second later, two smaller rickshaws rapidly descended through the forest after them, driven by the two crocs. One of them fired a crossbow, the arrow of which impaled the back of the cart and missed Mantis's head by centimeters.

"AH!" Mantis yelled.

"HOLY CRAP!" Crane screamed.

When flailing in the air didn't work, Scorpion swung down and latched her tail to the underside of the cart.

"Get that antidote in here, Crane!" Monkey yelled.

Crane's upper body was hanging over the side of the cart as he continued his tug-of-war with the furious Scorpion.

"SHE WON'T LET GO!" Crane screamed.

"Crane, get back in the cart, right now!"

"I'M TRYING, GIMME A MINUTE!"

One of the crocs fired another arrow with lodged in the axle. Mantis whimpered as he and baby Tong Fo hugged each other.

"We're gonna die!" He yelled. The baby loris buried his little head deeper into Mantis's littler neck. "We're gonna die! I'm gonna pee myself, and then we're gonna die!"

"SHE'S SO STRONG!" Crane yelled.

Scorpion continued to pull at the bottle.

"LET GO, YOU OLD BAT!"

"I'm an arachnid!" Scorpion yelled.

"Uh oh, we've got a tight squeeze coming up!" Fung yelled.

Indeed, the rickshaw cart was heading right for a small gap between two trees.

"CRANE, GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!" Monkey screamed. "LOOK OUT!"

Crane turned his head and saw the gap rapidly approaching.

"WAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

Crane screamed as he finally wrenched the antidote from Scorpion's grasp and fell back into the cart on top of Mantis, just in time to avoid a beheading as the cart raced between the trees. Scorpion was not so lucky. Still on the outside of the cart, she slammed right into the left tree, and collapsed to the ground, out cold.

"I GOT IT" Crane yelled. "I'VE GOT THE ANTIDOTE!"

"Mantis, are you sure it's the right bottle?" Monkey asked.

"Yeah, it says right there on the label!" Mantis replied.

"Okay, Fung! Slow the cart down!" Monkey yelled. "Slow it down!"

Fung glanced behind him and saw the two crocs still pursuing in their rickshaws.

"No chance!" Fung yelled. "Hold on, guys!"

"Fung, what are you doing?" Mantis yelled.

Fung proceeded to swerve the cart right before it another tree. One of the crocs, who was right behind and about to fire another arrow and Monkey's head, didn't notice the tree until it was too late, and upon impact the cart he was driving exploded into splinters.

"Holy crap!" Crane yelled.

"Damn!" Monkey gaped as he stared at the wreckage they were leaving behind.

"Don't worry guys!" Fung yelled. "I've done this before!"

He swerved the cart again, so it was once again speeding down the mountain in a straight line.

Fung quickly looked behind and saw the remaining croc loading another arrow into his crossbow.

"Watch out, guys!"

Fung turned the cart to the left, heading straight for an overhanging branch from which hung a circular grey object.

"_BEEEEEEEEEEEEES!_" Crane let out a prolonged, high pitched scream.

Fung turned the cart too late: the side of the cart struck the dangling beehive, completely obliterating it and drenching Crane in sticky honey.

Crane screamed.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"Oh my word!" Mantis screamed.

"Sorry, Crane!" Fung yelled.

Crane gagged and frantically tried to wipe the honey from his face. Not only did honey and feathers certainly not mix, but Crane despised the taste, which attacked his tongue like medicine.

The pursing croc took advantage of their distraction and swerved his cart to the side, he was not parallel with the larger rickshaw.

Mantis looked away from the honeyed Crane just in time to see the croc aim his arrow.

"GET DOWN!"

They ducked just as the croc fired.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Monkey hollered as the arrow whizzed over his head and lodged itself in Fung's helmet.

"Oh no…" Fung whispered as he raised a clawed hand to feel the arrow embedded in his precious headwear. "They shot my helmet! THEY SHOT MY HELMET! I'M AT MY WIT'S END!"

"Look out, he's coming back!" Crane yelled.

The croc had momentarily fallen behind, and was now swerving to the other side of the cart.

"Look out!" Mantis yelled.

The croc aimed his crossbow…

And crashed into a tree.

"HOOOLY CRAAAP!" Monkey gaped.

"Uh oh…" Fung stared ahead. "Hang on, guys!"

The trio turned away from the wreckage of the second cart… and saw the little stone hill right ahead overlooking the enormous river which separated the mountain from Lijiang.

"WAAAAAAAAA…"

The cart sped up the hill and flew in a wide arc above the river…

"…AAAAA…"

Monkey screamed…

"…AAAAA…"

Crane screamed…

"…AAAAA…"

Mantis screamed…

"…AAAAA…"

Baby Tong Fo screamed…

"…AAAAGHHH!"

… and landed safely on the other side, screeched to a stop on the little empty street.

It was a long time before anyone spoke.

"Is everyone alright?" Monkey asked, breathing hard from what had just happened.

"That…" Fung grinned. "…was… AWESOME! Let's do that again!"


	11. The Red Panda

**Disclaimer: I don't own kfp or the hangover.**

**Author's note: Why is kegusaran 14 the only reader reviewing these days? It disheartens me that everyone else appears to have stopped bothering to let me know if I'm doing a good job.**

**Keep up the reviews, kegusaran 14, and could everyone else PLEASE start reviewing again?**

**Thanks.**

* * *

_Poof!_

Seconds after ingesting the antidote, baby Tong Fo disappeared in a puff of smoke. Another few seconds later, a full grown, highly displeased Tong Fo emerged to find himself locked in a small cage surrounded by the men he had attempted to double-cross. They were standing in the main hall of the abandoned temple.

"There's no point in trying to escape, Tong Fo!" Monkey said coldly. "Where's the jar?"

"What happened to me?" Tong Fo asked. He was feeling incredibly woozy.

"You fell into the jar and turned into a baby for two days." Said Fung. "After you double-crossed me and swapped my wine with sleeping death elixir!"

"Oh, so you figured it out." Tong Fo sighed. It looked like he was going to have to share the cash after all. "Oh well, it was worth a shot…"

"Where's the jar, Tong Fo?" Monkey asked again.

"Beneath a loose floorboard in the room on the left hand side." Tong Fo said.

"I'll get it." Crane marched into the room. A minute later he emerged carrying a large jar.

"Right, we've got three hours to get back to Quidan Village." Said Monkey. "Just so you don't try anything, Tong Fo, you can stay in that cage until the exchange is complete. Fung, if you behave yourself, we won't send you to jail this time. Agreed?"

Fung nodded.

* * *

"Nothing's going to go wrong this time, right?" Crane asked as they sailed down the river on a little boat. "I mean, I hope nothing unexpected is gonna happen like last time."

"Relax, it's just your usual exchange." Said Fung as he kept both hands on Tong Fo's cage. "Temutai gets the jar, we get the money and your Master Shifu."

"Don't you ever do anything that doesn't involve in a standoff?" Crane asked.

"Hey, I'm a bandit." Fung replied. "It happens a lot in my line of work."

"And I'm a master criminal." Tong Fo spoke from between the bars. "So it basically always ends like this."

Crane looked at them both for a long time.

"…Huh." He turned his attention to their path up ahead.

Soon enough, the outer walls of the Quidan Village came into view.

"Alright…" Fung took a deep breath. "Here… we… go…"

* * *

On his throne just as he had said, Temutai grinned widely as Fung, Tong Fo, and the trio were led into the village square before him.

"Now this is more _like it_!" he thundered.

"Hey, Temutai! How you doin'?" Fung asked, waving with one hand and keeping his other hand wrapped tightly round the handle of Tong Fo's cage. "Have you lost weight?"

"I have, thanks for asking." Temutai replied and patted his stomach. "Now back to business… where's the jar?"

Monkey lifted the Mystical Jar of Youth a few inches off the ground for Temutai to see.

"Hand it over!" Temutai ordered.

Monkey made to bring the jar over, but then Crane lifted a wing and blocked his path.

"Hang on a sec, Monkey." Crane whispered. "Remember what happened last time?"

Monkey stared at Crane, and then he remembered.

"Hey, Temutai." Crane took a step forward. "Sorry to interrupt, but I really feel that we should be able to see Shifu first, before we give you the jar, just to make sure he's alright and you haven't pulled a fast one on us. Is that alright?"

"And the money!" Fung spoke up quickly. "Let us see the money too!"

Temutai paused for thought.

"You know what?" He spoke. "It _is_ alright. Bring them out!"

Two water buffalo soldiers stepped out from behind Temutai's throne. One was carrying a small wooden chest, opened wide to reveal what must surely be a small fortune. The other was holding a chained red panda with a bag over his head.

The trio breathed a simultaneous sigh of relief.

"There you are!" Temutai spoke. "Now hand over the jar or I'll have my men rip you _apart_!"

"Give him the jar!" Fung said.

Monkey lifted the jar and struggled slightly with its weight as he headed towards the throne. Very carefully, he set the jar down in front of Temutai and quickly headed back to his friends. A buffalo soldier stepped forward and began examining the jar. After a few seconds, he stood up and faced his boss.

"It's the genuine artifact." He spoke.

"Let him go!" Temutai spoke. "And give them the money!"

The two buffalo soldiers stepped forward, placing the chest full of yuan in Monkey's arms and the chained red panda on the ground in front of them.

"Thank god you're alright, Master Shifu!" Mantis was as giddy with relief as his comrades.

The buffalo leaned down and whipped off the sack covering the head of Sh-

"_Shirong?_"

The con artist father of Shifu stared back at them, a gag over his wizened mouth.

"Are you kidding me?" Monkey looked past Shirong to glare at Temutai. "What the hell is this?"

"That is not Master Shifu!" Crane yelled.

"What are you talking about?" Temutai stared at them. "That _is_ him!"

"Seriously?" Crane gaped. "You've met Master Shifu before! How the _hell_ did you manage to mistake this guy for Shifu?"

"Hey, the resemblance is striking!" Temutai shrugged.

The buffalo soldier whipped off the gag and Shirong turned his head to glower at the warrior king.

"I told you that you had kidnapped the wrong red panda, nitwit!" he said angrily.

"Let me ask you something…" Crane glowered at the enormous buffalo sitting on the stone throne. "Does Shifu _look_ like he's over a hundred years old?"

"Uh… yeah."

"Oh come on! Shifu's over seventy and the only winkles he has are beneath his eyes! This guy's over a hundred and looks like a white prune!"

"Er, you do know I'm standing right here, right?" Shirong asked.

"_Who gives a damn?_" Monkey yelled at last and thrust the chest full of money into Fung's arms, making the croc bandit drop Tong Fo's cage with a crash. "Where is Shifu?"

"No longer my _problem_! Get out!" Temutai yelled.

Monkey cursed in mandarin all throughout their forced ejection from the village.

* * *

Once outside the front gate, Monkey angrily kicked the dirt as he paced in front of his friends. After a while, he whirled round to face Fung and the caged Tong Fo.

"Why are you two still here?" He yelled. "Shouldn't you be running off with the money, now?"

"You aren't gonna arrest me?" Fung blinked.

"Why should we?" Monkey breathed hard as he forced himself to calm down. "You behaved yourself, so just this once, we'll let you go."

"Just do us one favor." Said Crane. "Drop Tong Fo off at Lijiang Jail on your way. The last thing we need is him trying to get revenge on us for turning him into a baby."

"Yeah, will do." Said Fung, and ran off towards the forest. He stopped at the edge and turned back to face them. "By the way, thanks for the party."

Fung disappeared into the trees.

"What do we do now?" Mantis asked, running a foreleg through his Mohawk.

Slowly and despondently, Monkey pulled out the Mirror of Communication.

"Guys… it's time."

He raised the mirror to his face. After a few seconds, the image in the mirror changed in that of a female South China Tiger.

"Hello, Tigress. It's Monkey."

I can see that." Tigress hissed. "Where the hell are you guys?"

"Tigress…" Monkey took a deep breath. "It happened again."

Tigress gritted her teeth.

"Don't say that." She almost pleaded.

"No, this time we really screwed up." Monkey said mournfully.

"What the freaking hell is wrong with you three?"

"So much, Tigress. I wouldn't even know where to begin!"

"How bad, Monkey!" Tigress glared through the mirror. "No ceremony bad?"

"Er…" Monkey hesitated. "A little worse than that…"

* * *

"It's official." Crane spoke as he sipped from his green tea. "We're demons in sheep's clothing. Which is ironic because we're not sheep."

In a tea shop right next to the river, the trio mourned the loss of their master and their failure to find him. It was a feeling of guilt and sadness they had felt before when they had seemingly watched Po being blasted out of the Fireworks Factory by Shen's cannon.

"What now?" Mantis asked.

"I honestly don't know." Monkey sighed. "We've officially lost Master Shifu, and the opening ceremony begins in a few hours. I just don't know."

"I'm usually a calm man…" Shirong glared at the three of them. "But I ought to spank the lot of you for losing my son."

"I have a question for you." Crane leant forward on the table. "How did you manage to wind up as Temutai's prisoner?"

"That ginormous brute abducted me yesterday after seeing me in the city. I'm sorry you went through all that trouble for nothing. And lost a powerful artifact."

"Nah, it's alright." Crane sighed. "Even if we had known that it wasn't really Shifu, we still would've handed the jar over. Besides, I doubt that he would be very happy if we'd just left you in there."

"He's a good boy." Shirong sighed. "Do the people back in Gongmen City know what's happened?"

"Well, Po and the girls know." Monkey spoke. "But they're waiting for us to come back and tell the Master's Council ourselves."

"But we've unanimously agreed that we won't be going back." Crane said. "We won't even be going back to the Valley of Peace. It's the best thing."

"We couldn't save Master Shifu, but we can still save our friends." Said Mantis. "Make sure they don't suffer from our mistakes. If we stay away, then Shifu's daughter won't share the same fate."

Shirong blinked.

"Shifu has a daughter?"

"Yeah." Said Crane. "Didn't you know? Tigress is Shifu's adopted daughter."

Shirong stared at the three of them.

Shifu had neglected to tell him this during his visit to the Jade Palace the year before. But then again, at the time he had still been angry with his father for abandoning him at the Jade Palace as a cub, so it was justifiable.

But for Shirong to suddenly discover that he was a grandfather…

It was a long time before he spoke.

"Then don't you realize how much it would mean to her if you keep searching for Shifu?" He asked.

"Shirong, we've virtually got no leads left." Monkey said. "Now if you don't mind, I need to inform our friends back in Gongmen City of our decision."

Monkey got up, stepped away from the table and pulled out the mirror.

"Hey, Po." Monkey spoke once the image changed. "There's something we need to tell you…"

_Crash!_

"Ow!"

Crane turned his head, startled by the sudden noise.

A few feet from their table, one of the two pigs applying cement to a crack on the wall rubbed his rear as he got to his feet. A spilled bucket of cement lay on its side next to him.

"Are you alright?" The second pig asked in concern.

"Yeah." Said the pig that had fallen. "Darn, that was sore!"

"You should be more careful. Liquid cement is quite slippery."

Right at that very moment, something clicked in Crane's head.


	12. Finding Shifu

**Disclaimer: I don't own kfp or the hangover.**

* * *

Crane stared with wide eyes at the puddle of cement the pig had slipped on, a muddle of memories flashing through his mind as the all the pieces began to come together…

* * *

_The warriors were pleased to find that the crater in the courtyard, caused by Shen's original cannon as it obliterated Master Thundering Rhino, had been dug up and replaced with a smooth stone surface, Thundering Rhino's hammer placed in an unspecified location along with several other artifacts from the Master's Council's early days…_

* * *

_They appeared to be in some sort of storage room, filled with what looked like kung fu artifacts: Thundering Rhino's damaged hammer was displayed on one wall…_

* * *

_CLANG!_

_The two guys jumped as a sudden loud sound occurred from outside their room._

"_What was that?" Mantis whispered._

"_I think it came from downstairs." Monkey replied. "If there is a downstairs…"_

* * *

_They found themselves in a larger room full of kung fu artifacts. The Blade of Bao Ding and Hammer of Lei Lang were visible in one corner of the room, and larger artifacts such as the Armor of Jong Li and the Sarcophagus of SuWu were positioned in the middle of the floor. It appeared as though repairs had recently been made to one of the walls: buckets of cement and boxes of tools stood in a small group next to what looked like a recently patched hole the size of an elephant's belly._

"_This must be where the Master's Council put all the artifacts..."_

* * *

"_Mantis. Scout ahead and make sure no-one's around." Monkey said as he adjusted his grip on Fung's head. "And look for something we can stash the stiff in!"_

_Mantis zipped off, his glued Mohawk rustling with the airflow._

_He returned two minutes later._

"_No-one's around. And there's a big chest three floors below where we can hide him."_

* * *

_After a few minutes, Mantis zipped back outside the abandoned temple and stopped before his friends._

"_The coast is clear. No-one's inside the building." He said quickly…_

* * *

_Just as Po had predicted, the line of people waiting to be allowed entry into the new Master's Council exhibit stretched across the block._

"_Woah…" Mantis stared. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually glad that Po tricked us into coming here last night."_

"_Speaking of Po, shouldn't he have finished fixing the ceiling by now?" Tigress asked as the Furious Five and Shifu waited at the very front of the line. As the guests of honor, they were allowed to enter first._

"_I gave him twenty minutes." Said Shifu. "I hope he's not lazing about in there."_

_When the museum finally opened, the first thing that caught their attention was the puddle of liquid cement in front of the Sarcophagus of SuWu, the second thing being the snores and mumbles emanating from the black container…_

* * *

Crane leapt from the table and rushed for Monkey.

"So anyway, we won't be coming back to the- Crane what the hell are you doing?" Monkey yelled as Crane suddenly yanked the mirror from his grip.

"Hey guys!" Crane yelled into the mirror as he gazed at the panda and tiger staring through it back at him.

"Crane, what the hell is going on?" Po asked. "What was Monkey saying about you not coming back?"

"Is this about you losing Master Shifu?" Tigress asked.

"Not coming back?" Crane forced a laugh. "Don't be ridiculous! He just meant that we're not coming back without Shifu! We sort of left him suffering from a hangover in the hotel room, and now we need to go back and get him! We'll be back as soon as possible so _bye_!"

Crane tossed the mirror back to Monkey and sprinted from the tea shop. Monkey, Mantis and Shirong stared at each other before taking off after him.

* * *

A few minutes after Crane's sudden realization, he, Monkey, Mantis and Shirong had obtained yet another small boat and were now traveling down the river in the direction of the abandoned temple.

"Crane, will you please tell us what's going on?" Monkey asked. "Why did you stop me from telling them what we're doing?"

"Because we're not exiling ourselves from the Valley of Peace!" Crane said. "I've figured out where Shifu is!"

"You have?" Shirong stared.

"Mantis, do you remember what you did a little while after we woke up in that room and Fung apparently 'died'?"

"Yeah. We didn't have a clue where we are, so I scouted ahead."

"So consider this…" Crane said. "If you were the first guy to wake up, and you found yourself in an unfamiliar place, what would you do?"

"Well obviously, I would take a look around, and figure out my surroundings." Monkey replied.

"And what sort of place did we wake up in?" Crane asked.

"A kung fu storeroom." Monkey said.

"And what artifacts were there in the room?"

"Well, there was Thundering Rhino's hammer…" Monkey rubbed his chin. "The Blade of Bao Ding, The War Hammer of Lei Lang, and the _Sar-freakin'-caphogus of SuWu_!"

Monkey's eyes went wide as dinner plates.

"Exactly!" Crane exclaimed.

"Sorry, but I'm not following." Said Mantis.

"Mantis, do you remember when the Master's Council exhibit opened, and we found Po stuck in the Sarcophagus of SuWu?"

"Yeah! When we finally got him out, Po explained that he had been about to fix the ceiling like Shifu told him to, but slipped on the cement and…" Mantis's eyes widened as he realized. "…O_oooooohhh_…"

"Will someone please tell me what's going on?" Shirong asked irritably.

"Here's what I think happened." Said Crane. "Shifu woke up first… had no memory of what happened the night before and no idea where we were… decided to take a look around… he was reeling from a nasty hangover… he slipped on the cement that was in the room and fell right into the Sarcophagus of SuWu!"

"I can't flippin' believe it!" Monkey slapped his forehead. "But if he's in there, then why didn't he yell for help when we came in?"

"He probably hit his head when he fell or something." Said Crane. "I mean, if he'd been suffering from a hangover, he probably wouldn't have been able to stop himself like he usually would."

"Come on, there's no time to lose!" Said Monkey. He grabbed a pole and proceeded to increase the speed of the boat.

* * *

They reached the temple just in time to see a group a construction workers dragging a wagon full of equipment into the hall.

"Hey, hey guys!" Monkey yelled as they ran over to the group. "The artifacts are still in here, aren't they?"

"Yeah, why?" Asked a perplexed ram. "Why do you ask?" He asked, but the trio and Shirong were already sprinting up the stairs.

They rushed past the corridor where the metal chest still stood… past the old training hall… and burst into the large room full of kung fu memorabilia.

"SHIFU!" Monkey screamed as they raced straight for the black container that was the Sarcophagus of SuWu.

"IT'S ALRIGHT, MASTER SHIFU! WE'RE HERE!" Crane yelled as he tried in vain to pry open the two doors.

"SHIFU, CAN YOU HEAR US?" Mantis screamed. "Guys, isn't there a key for this thing somewhere?"

"The key was lost a long time ago!" Monkey yelled.

"Then how did we get Po out when he got stuck?"

"Tigress used her claw to unlock it!" Crane yelled.

"Well, none of us have any claws!" Mantis yelled back. "What are we going to do?"

"I know what to do!" Shirong exclaimed. "Crane, give me one of your feathers!"

"What? Why?"

"Just do it!"

Crane winced as he plucked out one of his feathers and handed it to the aged red panda. Shirong leapt on top of the container and after a few seconds of picking the lock, the doors swing open.

Lying at the bottom of the container was a disheveled, monochromatically dyed and beardless…

"MASTER SHIFU!" Crane screamed.

The trio cheered and danced on the spot as Shifu blinked and got up on one arm.

"Crane?" He murmured. "Monkey… Mantis?" He suddenly became more alert when he caught sight of Shirong. "_Father?_"

"Thank goodness you're alright." Shirong smiled.

"It's about darn time you boys found me!" Shifu scowled and got to his feet. "Where have you been all day?"

"Looking everywhere for you!" Monkey helped the old and dazed master out of the sarcophagus. "Come on, we don't have much time! The opening of the kung fu academy starts in an hour!"

"You mean I've been stuck in here for a day and a half?" Shifu stared. Then his wide eyes fell on Mantis. "Hey, Mantis…"

"What?"

For the first time since he was found, Shifu grinned.

"Nice Mohawk."

"Thanks." Mantis turned bright red.

"By the way, do any of you know where my beard is?"

The trio suddenly looked very nervous.

"Errr…" Monkey hesitated. "We gave it to a baby criminal mastermind."

Shifu stared. Then he sighed in acceptance.

"Night outs…" He stroked the beard stump beneath his chin. "Never again!"

* * *

"What? You've found him?" Po stared through the mirror.

"Yeah, he's alright!" Monkey said as he and the rest of the group rushed down the staircase and out of the old temple. "Don't worry, we're going to be there in an hour. Try and keep Master Storming Ox and Croc busy till then!"

"Alright then, but hurry!"

Monkey put away the mirror and turned to his comrades.

"What are we going to do?" Crane asked. "Gongmen City is ten miles away, and the ceremony begins in under one hour! We'll never make it!"

"Hey, guys…" Mantis pointed at a nearby cart named _Tang the Toy Vendor_. "I think I have an idea…"


	13. Kung Fu Academy

**Disclaimer: I don't own kfp or the hangover.**

**Author's note: Once again, I'm almost at the end.**

**As you probably know, a KFP: the Hangover Part III is going to have to wait, but I'm not finished writing yet! After this fanfiction is done, I will begin writing a series of oneshots related to the Kung Fu Panda universe, which will hopefully be just as entertaining as the two fan fictions I have just written.**

**Oh, and Anming makes a surprise return in this chapter, since I felt that she didn't get much 'screen time' in the last fan fiction.**

**Anyway, enjoy this last chapter, review, and watch out for the epilogue!**

* * *

Master Croc was in a bad mood.

Master Storming Ox was in a VERY bad mood.

There were only five minutes to go, and yet Master Shifu and his students were still missing.

A small crowd had gathered in the courtyard outside the due-to-be-opened kung fu academy, among which were Po, Tigress, Viper, and Anming. Anming had traveled to Gongmen City that morning to visit a friend, and decided to stop by and see if her boyfriend had won the bet.

Instead, she had found herself in a very tense situation.

"_Where are those idiots?_" Storming Ox was raging as he paced in front of the front doors of the building. "_If they're not here in five minutes…_"

"Master Ox, please calm down." Said Viper. "I'm sure they'll be here."

"Try to be patient, old friend." Said Croc, even though he was scowling. "You know as well as I do that Master Shifu is never late."

"Well I guess he's about to break his record then, isn't he?" Storming Ox growled. "Because he's going to be late in about three minutes!"

Tigress and Po glanced at each other in dismay: right now, it looked as though Ox was going to be right.

"Any word from them, Po?" Tigress asked.

"I last heard from them about an hour ago." Said Po. "They said they would be here."

* * *

"I have a question for you, Shifu." Shirong said as they sailed through the air high over the fields that sat in between Lijiang and Gongmen City. "Why didn't you tell me that I was a grandfather?"

Shifu stared at his father.

"Huh?" He asked.

"Just before Crane figured out where you were, the boys sort of revealed that Tigress is your adopted daughter." Said Shirong. "You could have told me that when I visited the Jade Palace last year."

"Oh…" Shifu looked at him guiltily. "I guess it slipped my mind. Sorry."

"Anyway, I would very much like to attend this little opening and have a proper meeting with her." Said Shirong. "Is that alright?"

"Sure, why not?" Shifu grinned.

"Hey, Master Shifu?" Mantis piped up as he steered from the middle of the horizontal pole. "We're really sorry."

"We didn't mean for any of this to happen!" Crane spoke as he held onto the left hand side of the bar for dear life, Shirong holding onto his legs.

"It's my fault really…" Said Shifu. "I should have told you about my low alcohol tolerance."

"So… does that mean we're off the hook?" Monkey asked hopefully as he held the right hand side of the bar with his arms and Master Shifu with his legs.

Shifu grinned evilly, and the black circles round his eyes creased slightly as his eyes narrowed.

"Nice try." He said. "You're still going to be punished when we get back to the palace."

The trio opened their mouths to protest, but then silently conceded. After all, they deserved it.

"What do you have in mind?" Monkey asked.

"How many times do you want us to run the obstacle course?" Mantis asked.

"Oh no, it's nothing to do with training." Said Shifu. "While I, Tigress and Viper were down in the village the day before we left for Gongmen City, we had a small chat with Mr Ping."

"So?" Crane asked.

"So… during our conversation, Mr Ping mentioned that he's currently experimenting with even spicier dishes than those he procured last year. He's due to receive a shipment of peppers said to be hotter than even that of the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion pepper, and is looking for tasters. I think you three would be perfect for the job."

The trio gulped.

"Oh Master, you heartless fiend." Mantis muttered.

* * *

There was one minute left.

"That does it!" Storming Ox finally snapped. "I'm sorry, but we're going to have to begin the ceremony without them!"

"What?" Po gaped. "But Ox, Shifu's the grandmaster! We can't do this without him!"

"Well we're going to have to!" Said Ox. "He's not here, so we have no choice! Dragon Warrior, you're the guest of honor. Get over here so we can begin!"

"Go on, Po." Tigress sighed.

Po reluctantly began to approach the front gates of the academy. As he did so, he turned his head to look at Viper and Tigress, who remained at the front of the crowd.

That was when he spotted the small speck high in the sky.

"Hey, what's that?" Po asked.

Storming Ox and Croc followed his gaze and stared at the strange object. Tigress, Viper and Anming frowned and turned their heads, and the rest of the crowd followed suit.

As the object in the sky grew larger, Po realized with a jolt what it was.

It was a kite.

One of the enormous ones that were sold by Tang the Toy Vendor, and made pretty good hand gliders.

And dangling from the kite in a small bundle were…

"Hey, it's them!" A huge grin spread on Po's face. "There they are!"

The crowd stared as the people on the rapidly approaching kite waved while maintaining their grip on the horizontal pole.

"_Woooooooooooo!_"

They could hear the group cheering.

"Shifu!"

Tigress laughed like she had never laughed before.

Her father was going to make it after all.

* * *

As the kite rapidly descended in the direction of the academy courtyard, Monkey frowned.

"Mantis, there's nowhere to land."

"It's alright." Said Mantis and he steered the kite to the left very slightly. "Just hang on tight."

"Mantis, this isn't funny!" Shifu snapped. "Turn the kite around!"

"Just hang on!"

* * *

Viper blinked.

"Is that _Mantis_ steering the kite?"

Po's eyes widened.

"What?"

He grabbed Tigress's arm.

"Uh… I think we'd probably better stand back."

He quickly dragged Tigress to the side.

"Come on!"

Storming Ox and Croc quickly moved away from the front gates.

* * *

"Mantis, stop!" Crane yelled. "Turn the kite around!"

"Turn the kite, Mantis! That's an order!" Shifu yelled.

"Turn the kite around, Mantis!" Monkey yelled. "TURN THE FRICKIN' KITE!"

* * *

"Everyone!" Po yelled. "Everyone get out of the way! Now!"

The crowd split apart, moving to the sides of the courtyard as the kite rapidly approached.

Only Anming hadn't moved. Viper quickly slithered over to her.

"Anming, come on! It's going to get worse before it gets better! Now come on!"

* * *

The kite soared over the courtyard wall and toward the ground.

"HOLD ON!" Monkey screamed. "HOLD ON TIGHT!"

The group screamed their heads off as the tip of the kite hit the ground and skidded across the courtyard.

"HEEEEEEEEEELLLLPPP!" Crane screamed.

The group let go and rolled across the ground just as the kite smashed into the front gates and disintegrated into splinters.

Monkey, Crane, Mantis, Shifu and Shirong staggered to their feet and turned to face the stunned crowd.

"So…" Shifu rubbed his hands together then adjusted his robe. "Shall we get started?"

* * *

After the group made a quick and heartfelt apology to Storming Ox and Croc for disappearing for two days, the opening of the kung fu academy went off without a hitch. After the opening of the front gates, a party was held in the main hall, complete with buffet and rice wine, which Shifu wisely steered clear of.

"So it happened again, huh?" Anming said.

"Yeah, sorry if I worried you." Mantis turned bright red.

"Nah, it's okay." Anming giggled. "Just so long as you didn't get engaged this time."

"No, I didn't!" Mantis yelped. "Nothing like that happened this time, I swear!"

"It's alright, I believe you. Nice hair, by the way."

"Thanks."

In another part of the hall, Crane was refilling Viper's cup.

"Sorry we almost killed everyone when we arrived." Said Crane sheepishly.

"Oh it's fine, Crane." Replied Viper. "At least no-one got hurt."

"Oh, and don't worry about the dye, I'm going to dye myself back to my original colors the minute we get back to the Valley of Peace."

"I think I can get used to it." Viper said.

Crane blinked.

"Really?"

Viper nodded, and then her smile dropped slightly.

"But for now, could you put this on, please?"

Crane chuckled and took the robe Viper held out to him.

Elsewhere, Monkey was busy explaining himself and his friends to Storming Ox and Croc.

"So you went all the way to Lijiang?" Croc chuckled.

"Yeah… and again, we are so sorry we cut it so close coming here." Monkey said.

"Ah, don't worry about it." Storming Ox waved away Monkey's apology. "Now that I know what happened, I think I can forgive you. Croc, do you remember when we went out to celebrate our defeat of the Wu Sisters?"

Croc shuddered.

"How can I ever forget?"

"Says the guy who drank five bottles of rice wine and decided to do a tap dance on the roof of the Jinzhou Palace." Storming Ox laughed heartily.

"Hey, at least I didn't start flirting with Rhino and pretended that I was gay!"

The smile disappeared from Ox's face.

Monkey stared at the two of them, lost for words.

Next to the buffet table, Shifu, Shirong, Po and Tigress nibbled from their plates as they talked.

"So you really became a master at just fifteen?" Shirong stared at Tigress. "I must say, that's highly impressive. From what I heard, Shifu was only seventeen when he became master."

"That was only because my ceremony had to be postponed for a year because of the War of the Southern Clans!" Shifu scowled.

"Yes, but you'd still be older than her." Shirong laughed. Po joined in for a few seconds, but was quickly silenced with a glare from his master.

Shirongm took a bite from his almond cookie, and as he chewed, he peered at Po and Tigress standing side by side.

"You know…" He said before swallowing. "You two make a nice-looking couple."

Po and Tigress blinked.

Then at once they both started stammering.

"O-oh no…" Tigress said.

"No, it's not like that…" Po said.

"We're friends…"

"_Best_ friends…"  
"But we're not a couple…"

"We're just friends!"

Shirong chuckled, then did a double take as he noticed Shifu's stare.

"What?"

* * *

When the party ended two hours later, the kung fu masters returned to the Tower of Sacred Flame to turn in for the night. While Viper, Tigress and Anming retired to their rooms, Monkey, Crane, Mantis, Shifu, Shirong, Storming Ox and Croc gathered in the atrium and relaxed on the sofas circling the small round table.

"I must say, that was an awesome party." Said Crane.

"Thanks. We spared no expense." Said Storming Ox. Then he scowled. "But seriously, you have got to get rid of that dye!"

"I know." Crane set his beaked jaw. "I'll get right on it."

"I hope you didn't mind me being there." Shirong spoke. "After all, I wasn't invited."

"It's alright. The father of the grandmaster is most welcome." Croc replied.

"Hey guys…" Monkey frowned. "Where's Po?"

At that moment, the panda in question emerged from the stairs, panting.

"Hate… stairs…" He gasped before approaching the small group. "Hey, guys. Do any of you know a guy named Fing?"

"Yeah, he was the waiter at the bar where we found Master Yao's box!" Mantis spoke.

"Wait a minute…" Shifu's eyes widened. "We stole from Master Yao?"

"Uhhh…" Mantis gulped. "…No?"

"Anyway…" Po held up a small box. "Fing's an aspiring artist, and his uncle Feng once told him of how he followed us during last year's night out, drawing pictures."

"So?" Shifu asked.

"So…" Po grinned. "Fing came to see me right after the party with this box. Apparently, you guys approached him at his house and asked him to do what his uncle had did. He was about to give you the box when you came back to the bar yesterday, but you left before he could grab it."

As he said this, he opened the box and pulled out a large pile of paintings.

"Oh my god…" Monkey stared. "Are those…"

"Yeah. Some of it's even worse than we thought."

"Give me those!" Shifu leapt from his chair.

"Hang on, Shifu!" Croc said. "Why don't we look at them once before we destroy them?"

"Yeah, come on, Shifu." Po said pleadingly. "Just one look."

Shifu's shoulders sagged.

"Alright…" He sighed. "But just one time!"

And so the eight men stood up and gathered round Po as he kept a hand over the top painting.

"You guys ready?" Po asked.

The seven warriors surrounding him nodded.

Po lifted his hand.

"GAAAAAAAH!"

"Oh god!"

"That's just nasty!"

"Ugh!"

"How sick is that?"

"I think I'm gonna puke."

"O…M…G…"

"Holy crap."


	14. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: I don't own kfp or the hangover.**

**For those of you who haven't read my previous fan fiction, here are the three rules concerning the reading of the epilogue:**

**1-I can't draw worth a damn, so I wrote down little captions that would turn up at the bottom of the pictures.**

**2-The groups of pictures are not entirely in chronological order.**

**3-Use your imagination when reading these captions!**

* * *

Pictures 1- 5

Mantis using noodle bowl as a hot tub.

Fung and Crane dancing in a small boat.

Shifu balancing a tray of wine bottles on one hand, grinning like a maniac.

Mantis on the bow of boat pretending to be 'the king of the world'.

Monkey vomiting over the side.

Pictures 6- 9

Shifu getting foot massage in spa.

Fung passed out from alcohol while Mantis gives back massage.

Shifu removing robe while on top of Yao's box (underwear still on).

Robe dropped on Crane's head.

Pictures 10- 14

Mantis begins to unlock Yao's box.

Shifu grabs Mantis's foreleg.

Mantis hits Shifu in face.

Mantis and Shifu roll about on floor.

Fung holding Shifu and Mantis in the air away from each other as continue to try and fight.

Pictures 15- 23

In tavern, Shifu's eyes bulge as he kisses red fox.

Boar bumps Monkey in bar area.

Monkey raises fist.

Boar's head swings to right.

Shifu dancing on top of box.

Boar and Monkey rolling about on floor.

Alcohol bottle gets knocked over, spilling all over table.

Monkey flings torch at boar.

Torch misses and lands on table, setting it on fire.

Pictures 24- 30

Monkey and Crane in rickshaw cart, laughing and waving bottles in air.

Close up of Shifu pulling rickshaw cart with one arm.

Monkey and Shifu holding Fung's hands as he leans back in chair.

Group gapes and Fung screams as pig pierces his belly.

Fung grinning and staring down at piercing.

Close up of dumpling shaped piercing.

Mantis sucking on piercing.

Pictures 31- 38

Fung writing date on Mantis's back while he's passed out on bow of boat.

Crane, Monkey and Mantis entering clothes shop.

Crane picks up some bottles of dye.

Goose chasing them out of shop, waving measuring stick in the air.

Pictures 39- 48

Crane pouring brown dye on his body.

Pours white dye into bucket of water.

Sticks his head in bucket.

Water splashes as he emerges with white head.

Monkey screams as he yanks tuft of hair from shoulder.

Mantis puts glue on top of head.

Shifu putting black dye around his eyes.

Monkey with Fung's helmet slipping over his eyes.

Fung pulling on Monkey's pants.

Fung's tail poking through seat of pants. Fung looking shocked.

Pictures 49- 57

Monkey with an orphan on each shoulder.

Mantis swinging sword in front of group of clapping children.

Crane stacking cups.

Children staring in awe as Crane begins to form a pyramid of cups.

Children dancing and cheering and Crane roaring in triumph as he adds the last cup right at the top.

Shifu (dressed as Po) picking up knife.

Shifu cutting off beard as Monkey, Crane, Mantis and Fung gape.

Shifu waves beard in air, grinning at the 'camera'.

Monkey passed out on buffet table.

Pictures 58- 62

Monkey play fighting with Po and Tigress action figures.

Mantis meditating with Po and Tigress action figures in meditation poses on either side of him.

Shifu sticking Po action figure down robe.

Crane making Po and Tigress action figures smooch each other.

Angry Shifu smashing Po action figure on Crane's head.

Pictures 62- 72

Monkey and Crane ogling Mystical Jar of Youth.

Fung passed out in front of War Hammer of Lei Lang.

Tong Fo pouring Elixir of Sleeping Death into Fung's bottle.

Shifu trying to glue beard back on.

Tong Fo standing on rim of jar.

Crane sneaking up behind him.

Crane shoves Tong Fo.

Tong Fo topples into jar.

Crane, Monkey, Mantis, Shifu and Fung staring into jar.

Baby Tong Fo pokes his head from jar like Gizmo from Gremlins.

Baby Tong Fo sitting on Crane's head nibbling on Shifu's beard.

Pictures 73- 83

Close up of Mantis with Shifu's beard glued to chin.

Baby Tong Fo relaxing on pillow with toothpick.

Shifu and Fung leaning over table looking utterly wasted.

Baby Tong Fo posing on empty display box with Shifu's beard on head like weird hairstyle.

Baby Tong Fo holding bottle to wasted Shifu's mouth.

Mantis and Baby Tong Fo nibbling at opposite ends of Shifu's beard like Lady and the Tramp.

Fung laughing and holding crossbow to Mantis's head.

Monkey and Crane yelling and pushing crossbow away from Mantis's head.

Fung pointing crossbow under Monkey's chin. Crane tries to restrain him.

Fung, Monkey and Crane leaning into each other and laughing.

Monkey, Crane, Mantis, Shifu, Fung and Baby Tong Fo laughing and taking shots.

* * *

**And, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of Part II!**

**However, as mentioned before, I'm not finished writing just yet! Look out for the series of one shots I'll be writing until I come up with another big story!**

**Anyways… cheerio!**


End file.
